I finally understand why I fell for him. I saw pieces of myself in him. I connected with his pain. It looked so much like mine. But I also fell for the person that he was. He had this ability to be there for everyone else no matter what he was going through at the time. I don’t know if he did it because solving other people’s problems distracted him from his own or if he was just that much of a martyr. But, I saw it as goodness and I fell for that goodness.
But despite his goodness, he wasn’t good to me. He was flaky and moody and with every step forward we’d take 10 steps back. He didn’t trust easily, and it was near impossible to get him to open up. I tried really hard to read between his lines and to be patient and to go at his pace, but it ate away at me. It brought out every single one of my insecurities and it made me overthink everything. What was really a ‘him’ problem somehow became a ‘me’ problem in my head; and that’s what I’m struggling to heal from most.
I wanna make peace with the fact that it wasn’t meant to be. I really really do. I swear it. But it still hurts. The thing is, I know I deserve better. I deserve to be loved in the same way that I am willing to love. I deserve to be loved by someone who laughs when I spill coffee on myself. I deserve to be loved by someone who will bring me junk food when I wanna stress eat. I deserve to be loved by someone who gets excited about my art. I deserve to be loved by someone who wants to hear about my day. I deserve to be loved by someone without having to beg for it.
But even in knowing all that, I still have this tiny bit of hope that things will eventually fall back into place for us. I could just see something with him. And I don’t know if this is the sadness talking, but I swear I told myself that he was it. Something about us just felt right. But I just have to keep reminding myself that he doesn’t feel the same way. Because even though he did at some point, believing that he didn’t is the only thing that’s helping me move on.
So, goodbye my almost.