I think and overthink all of the hours of the day. But when he messages me, I smile. It’s as if the seed of doubt, that I planted inside my soul, dies. Even if only for a moment.
When he talks to me, I hear the voices of my past. They’re telling me to be careful. They’re telling me to keep my guard up. They’re telling me I’m not ready. I try not to listen, but their words ring true.
He makes me laugh; but when I laugh, I sigh. Because a part of me questions how short-lived this joy will be. If the past has taught me anything, it’s that this kind of joy is temporary.
Every time my heart skips a beat, I’m reminded how fragile it is. And how easily it breaks. And how easily it broke before. It took forever for me to put the pieces back together. I’m not ready to let anyone walk into my life and ruin all the progress I’ve made.
But I worry that if I don’t give this a chance, I’ll regret it. I’ll regret letting my fears get the best of me. I’ll regret not taking a leap.
But how will I ever be ready to take a leap if my heart is still paralyzed?
I guess my problem is that I can only take two steps forward before the demons of my past wrap their arms around me and take me three steps back.
And I don’t know how to tell him that it’s not his fault. He’s not doing anything to make me this way. I don’t know how to tell him about these thoughts and my fears without sounding crazy. I don’t know how to tell him to be patient with me.
I don’t know how to tell him because I don’t even know how to tell myself.