A Million ‘I’m Sorry’s’

profile of woman at sunset
Maranatha Pizarras

We sat there, listened to his heart speak, and felt helpless as he broke before us. We sat there, exchanged glances, and hoped we could trade places with him. We wanted his pain to fade. We wanted to fix his break.

We heard every shake, felt every crack, and shared every tear. And as he poured his soul out to us, one thought stayed plastered in my mind: You. I wanted to tell you a million “I’m sorry’s”.

Sorry if I hurt you or broke you or made you cry. Sorry if I ever made you feel like I didn’t love you or you weren’t good enough or you were helpless. Sorry if I ever made you question your faith or your strength or your ability to love.

Sorry if your memories of me only remind you of pain, because our memories are some of my favorite. I think it’d be too painful to paint some of them on these pages, but just thinking of them make me smile.

Sorry that I made promises to you that I never intended to keep. Although I didn’t know it in the moment, I still feel like I betrayed you. I promised to help you conquer the world, but I shattered yours, instead.

Sorry if you stayed awake thinking of me or hating me or loving me. Nights like those are the worst. It hurts so much inside of you that you feel it biologically. You have a damp pillow but a dry tongue. You have a whole heart but it’s broken. You have so much to say but you can’t speak. You want to scream but you also want to stay silent.

Sorry if when you finally slept, I haunted you in your dreams. You haunt me in mine, and I end up being too scared to fall back asleep. So I stare out the window at the shape of the moon and the glow of the night sky.

Sorry for every kind word that you spoke about me even when I didn’t deserve it. I know that must have been hard for you. It would’ve been easier to tell the world how much I hurt you, but you couldn’t stand to have them hate me; that’s just the kind of person you are.

Sorry that I never explained to you why it all ended. You kept asking me for an explanation, and I never really gave you one. Well, it’s because the reason was stupid. But I had to trust my gut about us, and it told me that we weren’t meant to be. I hope you find solace in knowing that you did nothing wrong.

Sorry for every song you can no longer listen to. I know I have a few that I always skip. Trust me when I tell you that it was hard for me to let some of those songs go.

Sorry that you ever considered me to be your ‘one’, because you became my ‘one that got away’.

But, mostly, I’m sorry I wasn’t worthy of your love — like I know she isn’t worthy of his. TC mark

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