Dear Hiring Manager,
I am a suffering, desperate college graduate who cannot seem to find a job. I realize that this is the case for many recent college grads, but it does not make it any easier to accept. More than anything in the world, I just want to succeed. Majoring in English is a constant source of hilarity for my fellow graduates who seem to have picked the “real majors.” I chose to do what I love rather than what would be most likely to secure a job or what would make the most money. For this decision I am punished daily. Growing up, I remember being constantly told that I could do whatever I wanted, that I just needed to find something I felt passionate about and pursue it. That was a lie. Maybe it was a “harmless” white lie for a child, but still, a boldface lie. Sure you can pay an institution your whole life to take classes in subjects you love, but that will not guarantee you a livelihood. What I wish someone would have told me was “try to love math” or “focus on what will make you money.” Instead I got the “follow your dreams” speech, and now I have been graduated for fifteen months and I am an assistant with no foreseeable future. I have applied to countless “entry level” jobs that I never hear back from. I have applied for an internship, which I did not get. I have given up on getting my “dream job.” Every day is filled with constant disappointment and depression as I realize that making great grades and graduating early and doing everything right meant nothing. The “right” choice would have been if I had chosen a major in the medical field or accounting. The “right” choice would have been for me to lead a miserable adult life so that I could make money and eventually retire. My whole life I promised myself that I was never going to have a job that I hate, like so many people I know, but now I know that that is not an option. I cannot be James Bond if I so choose, I cannot even become an editorial assistant in New York. I. Am. Worthless. I will probably end up moving back home and working at a coffee shop for the rest of my life. What a waste of a “college education.” I am unhappy. It is not your fault that I am unhappy, but I wish you would hire me and make me not unhappy. I wish you would restore a little faith in my oppressive, hopeless world.
Thank you for your consideration,
– A hopeless victim of the economy.