I watched a movie on Netflix where someone said, we like because and we love despite. I heard somewhere too, that we can list the many things we like about someone, but never have a specific reason why we love them. Because when we love someone, we love all of them — the good and the bad.
When we first started, I had a never-ending list of the things I liked about you. Your eyes. Your smile. Your voice. Your laugh. Your jokes. Your tattoo. Your piercings. I liked talking to you, spending time with you, going on dates with you. And before I knew it, I was falling in love with you. I came to love your rebellious side. Your long hair. Your idea of adventure which was sometimes dangerous. Your stubbornness. Your unique sense of fashion.
But somewhere along the way, the things I liked, accepted, and loved, turned into something I did not want anymore. I grew accustomed to the things I liked that they were not special anymore, and I got tired of loving despite, that they turned into frustrations. Somewhere down the road, I forgot why I fell in love with you in the first place.
I was scared that it would only be a matter of time before reality hits me –there was nothing I liked, or loved, about you anymore. But what hit me was the bigger reality — that I’d rather have all of you — the good and the bad– than not have you at all.
And so from then on, when things get a little harder than they usually are and when you become a little less lovable than you mostly are, instead of allowing my brain to write a long list of what I do not like, I urge it to rewrite the things I like and love.
I love listening to your stories, especially when it gets to the part where you try to convince me to share your opinion. How you still try to pull pranks on me even though you know I know you too well that they usually do not work anymore. How you laugh at your own jokes, and you laugh harder at the idea that I don’t find it funny. I love how you won’t go to the gym if I am not going because “it’s boring” when I am not there. How you want me to come with you anywhere you go, how you want your friends to be my friends, and how you want to be friends with mine.
I love how you let me roll the car window down, even when you don’t like the feel of the wind in your eyes. How you give me flowers even when that is not your style, but most of all that you would make me a flower that doesn’t wither. I love how you wouldn’t let your tattoo artist touch my name on your finger because you made that tattoo yourself. How you read my long texts even when you hate reading. How you get all excited about us going to the grocery store, referring to it as a “date”. I love how you say I am beautiful when I put makeup on, even when you prefer girls without makeup. How you laugh at my high-pitched sassiness even when it hurts your ears. I love how you embrace my flaws and how you try to be more understanding of my issues.
I love your short temper and how you let me calm you down when you’re pissed off. How you need me to talk you out of a ridiculous purchase. How your maturity isn’t exactly in sync with your age yet you’re sure you can protect and take care of me. I love how, after all these years, you still like trying to make me fall in love with you, most days by showing off your abs, and how cute you are when get jealous even when it is obvious I only have eyes for you.
But most of all, I love how, every time I think of the reasons why I love you, it becomes more clear to me, that you have always liked me because and loved me despite.