I’m Sorry It Took Me So Long To Start Forgiving You

A woman closes her eyes and throws back her head toward the sky
Thien Dang / Unsplash

Sorry it took me this long.

Sorry it took me to long to shut my mouth, to stop bringing up the past. Sorry I took my time trying to trust again, to believe again, to give us another chance.

Please do not think that I was purposely doing that to punish you for what you’ve done. That I woke up every morning with the sole purpose of making it difficult for you, and that my days were spent scheming ways to get back at you.

On the contrary, I would wake up every morning praying to God to please help me find it in my heart to really forgive and not just sweep it under the rug. To not feel the pain when the memories start pouring in.

I hope you realize that maybe it was as hard for me as it was for you. When I took you back, I intended to start over, to rebuild what we broke. But every day proved to be a struggle. For every step forward, there was a step back.

I’m sure that was frustrating, thinking you got another chance but not really being given that chance — the chance to prove yourself, the chance to show that this time, you’ll do it right.

Maybe I went against the normal process of healing by forcing myself to and keeping myself from doing so. I was holding on to the pain, the anger, the resentment. I did not want to forget the feeling because I thought forgetting what you put me through was like betraying myself and taking your side, that it meant letting you get away with what you did. At the same time, I was rushing myself to feel healed, because I knew the baggage I carried was weighing me down and keeping me from being the person I wanted you to be with.

It was not easy, it still isn’t but I know at some point I’d have to take the first step. Because forgiving you is not just for you, it is for me too. Sorry it took me this long to see that.

I hope you know that even though it seemed like I only saw the things you were doing wrong, I also saw what you were doing right. That I appreciate you trying. I am not delusional, I know things are never going to be perfect. You are never going to be perfect. I won’t either. We’ll keep messing up because we’re human. And that’s okay. Because as long as I know you are trying to be the person you want me to be with, that will always be more than enough.

Sorry it took me much longer than I hoped to start to want to forgive you. And I sure am glad that you stayed long enough to see this day. TC mark

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