I Didn’t Want To Fight With You, I Just Didn’t Know How To End It

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Pietra Schwarzler / Unsplash

I am one who hates conflicts. It disturbs my peace. It makes me really anxious hoping to find a resolution — quick. And so, I did not enjoy fighting with you. I just did not know how to end it.

I never really intended to involve you in my life, and myself in yours. I wanted to call it even, I hurt you, you hurt me. Let’s move on with our lives. Period.

In my fantasy world, you’d apologize and take responsibility for what you did. And I won’t think twice about accepting it, instead, I’d apologize too. Because that’s the person I was.

But I was weak. I let things get the better of me. Everything that I tried so hard to keep, my composure, my dignity, my pride, my self-respect, and my respect for others, all went flying out the window the minute I decided to give you a piece of my mind. And so it went on and spiraled out of control.

That battle, in reality, was never with you. It was more with myself. And no matter how much sound our noise made, no one was bound to win. Not you, and definitely not me.

I lost my peace, my happiness, the things I believed in. I lost myself, my spirit, my soul. And proud as I was, I had to keep at it. I couldn’t let you have the final say, not at that point.

So when I finally saw a glimmer of hope of it all ending, I was relieved. I thought that was the start of my healing, maybe yours too. That maybe we can be mature individuals once and for all, say everything we want to say and move on.

Maybe not.

It wasn’t until I couldn’t recognize myself anymore that if finally hit me: sometimes, you let yourself lose not because you’re the lesser person, but because winning does not make you the better person. You quit, not because you’re weaker but because fighting does not make you any stronger. You stop, not because you’re wrong but because pushing on does not make you right.

And so I promised myself I wouldn’t open my mouth if what I had to say was going to add to your pain and keep you from moving on. Because that was what your words did to me. And adding to your pain did not lessen mine.

Now looking back, I realized, everything was orchestrated by God. That it wasn’t up to me or up to you to initiate the battle or to end it all. He intended for our paths to cross, and hurting each other was a part of His plan. Because He needed to teach us something. Because it will eventually lead us to find our true worth. One that I’m sure we both lost along the way.

In that battle, I did not lose. I don’t think you did either. It was something that was destined to change lives because if not, the pain would have been all in vain. So thank you for your part in my journey to finding my true self. You said before, I will never be happy until I truly forgive. You were right.

This is me accepting that maybe not everything has to have a resolution. Maybe, our conflict was to just die down and never really have that closure. And I should learn to deal with conflicts ending like that.

I do not regret that things happened the way they did, I learned a lot. I am sure you did too. I just hope it did not have to drag on for that long. My only consolation is the thought that all these, all the pain we caused each other, has eventually lead us both to happiness — happiness we both deserve. TC mark

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