There was a time I didn’t want to ask any more questions. At one point, I even gave up. On me. On You. Because You gave up on me first. Because You left me all alone. Because You broke Your promise. That’s what I told myself over and over.
When everything had gone haywire, when my world had turned upside down, when my mind and soul just grew tired from spinning in circles, where were You? When I’ve lost faith, in myself, in everyone around me, in life itself, in You.
The same questions running over and over. The questions I stopped asking. Why was it that when I needed Your presence the most, I felt it the least? You were watching somewhere, I know. Watching in silence as I drowned in that madness. Why did you not save me, pull me up?
It was when I grew tired of asking that I found the answers. I found them in the most unexpected place. At rock bottom. There they were — where You were.
Then I relearned what I should have already known. That you go ahead of us to clear the path, to pave the way. And as it was the plan for me to go down, You went ahead to await my fall. You met me at the very bottom to carry me back up.
Now I understand why things had to happen the way they did. You let me break so I can be whole again through You. You let me lose my way so I can find You. You let me fall weak so I can find strength in You. You let me lose everything for me to see You’re all I need.
Looking back a year ago, I’ve come so far. Where I was, two years ago, I’ve triumphed numerous battles. When I think of plunging right to the very bottom again, I know I’d spiral back up. And nothing could’ve been possible without You. Nothing could be.
My heart overflows with joy by how You’ve changed my life: the answered prayers, even those I did not ask for. Those that I felt I was not worthy of.
Turns out, it was me who complicated things. It was supposed to be very simple. You just wanted to teach me some things.
All I needed to know was that I was never in control, I would never be in control. You are. That no matter what I do, it was not up to me, but You. It is never going to be according to my plan, but Yours. And all I needed to do was trust that You wouldn’t allow harm to come to me. Just as You promised.
All along, my Lord, You were just waiting for me to open my heart to You. Because all along, You just wanted to fill every void. It’s still not perfect Lord. There are still many holes, but I know in Your perfect time, You’ll fill them all. When that time comes, it will still not be perfect but it will be close. The perfect life will come much later, when I am reunited with You.