To The Child I Had When I Was A Child Myself

To the child I had when I was a child myself,

Pleasant surprise. That’s most likely the best description of what it felt like when I learned about you. Life was just beginning then for me, I was no longer a girl, not yet a woman. Or maybe I was a little bit of both. 

It was a difficult nine months. All those thoughts racking my brain day in and day out, trying my best not to drown in them. My days were filled with overwhelming emotions, mostly fears. Afraid that I would not live up to your expectations, scared that I would not know what to do.

Not everyone understood. Some people were quick to judge. They think they knew what kind of girl I was. The stares, the whispers, the unkind words. It broke my heart. But it was all worth it. The moment I held you in my arms, I knew, for once, I did something right.

But the hardships did not end there. We went through a lot, you and me. It was really tough, I wasn’t sure what I was doing. I was constantly slapped by reality. The reality that I was not prepared. I was not equipped. I was not ready.

The years went by so fast, but we made it through. I’m not sure how, but we did. Yet to be honest, I sometimes feel, I still don’t know what I’m doing.

It seemed like I grew with you, maybe I still am. I am supposed to be raising you but in some ways I feel somehow you raised me too. You forced me to grow up and become an adult by holding onto my hand everyday. By reminding me, someone is counting on me.

So when people say I’ve taught you right, I wonder if you taught me more. When they talk about what I’ve done for you, I’d question if you’ve done more for me, because the truth is, you saved me. You saved me from myself. You stopped the havoc that could have been. The timing of your arrival couldn’t have been better. 

Most of all, you brought meaning to my life. You gave it purpose and direction.

I would never trade our all-nighters with a night out with my friends. I would never want a life where I could’ve enjoyed my early adult years  because it would mean not having you when I did.

I may have stopped carrying you in my arms a long time ago but I’ve never stopped carrying you in my heart. When I said you changed my life, I meant every word.

You still do.