It takes one person to walk away from you to teach you never to trust anyone again. It takes just one person.
It took just you and my life was never the same.
You will never know how painful that was, to be abandoned by someone you never thought would leave you. To have to ask yourself why you were not an adequate enough reason for someone to stay. To wonder why your love was not enough. It broke my heart.
You broke my heart into tiny, tiny pieces, and I failed to retrieve each and every one. And so I have been living, all these years, with just a fraction of my heart. Struggling in vain to find the missing pieces so that my heart could be whole again.
I built a wall around my heart to guard it, or whatever was left of it, so I would not lose any more pieces. In reality, it did not protect anything. Instead, it shut out everyone who wanted to come in. It muffled the sincerity others wanted me to hear. It blocked all the love others wanted me to see. It made me refuse to accept what others have been handing me all along. Their hearts. I did not have it in me to believe I can be loved and not walked out on. I did not trust that I can trust anyone, including myself.
And was it still because of you? No. It was because of me. It was because I let it happen. It was because I allowed the memory of the pain of you walking away to continue to batter my bludgeoned heart. I handed those memories the sledgehammer and assigned them the task of breaking my heart over and over.
Yet despite its brokenness, I don’t think my heart ever stopped loving. Today, I hope you know, I have learned to truly forgive you – for throwing away that fragile heart that was once mine. I would like you to know: I’ve been working hard at forgiving myself. I want you to know: I am actively searching for the pieces again.
So if you see the little bits of what used to be my heart, can you please help me collect them? I’d like to add them back to the remnants of what is inside my rib cage. I’d like for it to feel whole again.
I think I am ready to put the pieces all back together. I am ready to face the root cause of its destruction. I am ready to accept the love that has been outside waiting to be let in. I am ready to learn to trust other people and believe, I AM ENOUGH. I AM SUFFICE.