I’m Trying To Find Who I Used To Be

Blake Connally

Dear Past Self,

Where are you? I’ve been looking in vain for you for a while now and all my efforts result to nothing.

I have been digging deep, trying so hard to find you, but the more I do, the more I realize that the soul inside the same body is not the same soul. The more I drifted away from who you were, the more I felt misplaced. I don’t know when I stopped being you and started becoming me.

I have so many questions but one thing is for sure: I’ve lost you. You who used to be compassionate and sensitive of others. You who were generous and giving of yourself. You who were once the life of the party, who brought people together. You who had simple dreams and goals. You who, at times, seemed naive and gullible, trusting and believing in the goodness in everyone. You who believed in second chances. You who had so much love to give.

I was trying so hard to keep everyone else, I ended up losing you. I took you for granted. I did not appreciate who you were. And looking back, I never saw your worth. Maybe you didn’t either and I know it was because of the lies I kept feeding you about you. And if I may, let me tell you what is true.

You are worth much more than you think. Everyone sees that. The warmth you bring through your sincerity and genuine kindness. The joy that radiates from the goodness of your heart. The lives you have touched by your love. I wish I never had to lose that. I wish I never had to lose you by making you believe you don’t count. You do.

Past self, I am off course. But unlike Hansel, I did not leave breadcrumbs. There was no trail. And now I do not know how to find my way back to you.

I have learned, the greatest loss in life is the loss of self. Now the one person I was willing to get rid of has become the only person I’d do anything for just to get back. You. I know it will be a painful and tedious process, but did you leave breadcrumbs? If it’s not too much will you please find your way back to me? I promise, I will treat you better. TC mark

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