Maybe you grew up in church, maybe you never stepped foot in one, maybe you are just curious…but somehow you wandered onto this article. What that tells me is that you have felt this ache. The one when things don’t feel settled on the inside of you, the one when you don’t know who to talk with because no one feels adequately big enough to handle this ache, the feeling that has you laying down, facing your ceiling and hoping that there is a God and that he can hear you. The ache is not a respecter of success or glory. It can and has visited you before at the highest points of your life and it has also been there in the valleys.
You find yourself mumbling some sembles of a prayer, wondering if it worked. Wondering if it ever goes past your ceiling and this moment. And at the same time, you feel that it is the best you can do. So you get a little bolder, a little more desperate and you pray out loud. You pray with your tears, you pray with your silence, you pray because there is a need growing in you that you cannot explain for the life of you.
You may wonder as you talk with God if you can share all the things that burden you. You may try to connect with memories of the times you last heard a prayer. You may try to copy what you heard, but eventually, it just feels false and wrong. Then you decide to use your own words instead. That’s when you start stumbling over your words, getting all the things out, crying out with all the pain you have suppressed when you release all the stress and anxiety that you have tried to hide….the room shifts somehow. It feels more honest. More open. Like you can keep going. Like you should keep going.
In your private space, you know that there is something to this. I won’t try to define this moment for you, I can’t; but what I can do is encourage you to reach out again. Reach out and speak to God. Share the things you have always wished you could share with another. Share your fears, share your dreams, share your regrets, share your day, share your pain. And believe.
Believe that somehow, he identifies. That somehow he is feeling the pain with you. Believe that he doesn’t just hear you, but that he is listening. Believe that you can do this again, soon.
There is no right way to talk with him, just say what’s bottled up on the inside. Share what’s locked up in your mind and heart. Do it as you ready, do it in your own way. Do it and then try to keep space to listen back.
Listen in the moment, and when the moment ends. Let your heart be stirred. Let you certainties be tested. Let yourself be loved. Let yourself be present. Don’t work to prove or disprove anything. Don’t invent an experience. Don’t pretend. Just be. Just share. Just believe that he hears you. That he understands through the tears, through the contemplative silence, through your words, through your anger, and that he identifies. Just keep breathing, keep sharing, rest in this holy moment.
Yes, it’s been awhile since you last spoke to God….but you don’t need to make an appointment to get his attention, it’s already yours. You don’t need to qualify in any way. He already wants to hear from you. Speak up, friend, even if your voice shakes a bit. Speak up.