It’s wrong of you to smile tightly at me in hopes of conveying a message that I am welcomed here. To ask me about my weekend in hopes that my response will always be short and sweet. It is wrong that you invite me out of obligation that I am suppose to notice but ignore and then kindly decline the invite as you sigh in relief and smile again, brighter this time. It is wrong that you ask me if I want water and then inhale sharply in frustration when I accept. When you pretend that you care, it leaves me to be emotionally confused, because I don’t want to play this game but clearly I am not making the rules.
The only reason you are nice to me is because you want to see yourself as a kind person. It is not selfless. It is manipulative, selfish, and wrong. And as much as I don’t want to admit it, it hurts too. I feel the way you frown when I enter a room. All the energy you have put into pretending to like me is draining you and I can see it. It isolates me more.
I wish you would stop noticing me with your false smiles.
Because it is not fun to be noticed by your pretense. To be seen by the grimace beneath your fake smile. To talk with your slightly higher pitched tone that tells me that you want this conversation to stop.
You clear your throat, and motion for me to clear the room.
You invite people places and hope word doesn’t get to me too. I have started pretending that I don’t notice. I never wanted to play pretend. But now I am forced to play a game that I never wanted to play for the sake of guarding what is left of my dignity when it comes to you. Your fake smile is the last thing I ever wanted to experience.
I find myself wondering what I did to deserve being treated this way.
If I could go back, I would undo it. I just want you to stop noticing me.
But now I have to train myself to stop noticing your inauthentic attempts to get along. I have to pretend that your silence doesn’t bother me. I have to pretend that it is not the rudest thing I have ever experienced. Well…. To be fair, I don’t have to. But I have chosen to, because it seems to be the best option right now.
So I bite back my tongue, hold my head up high, and continue to accept myself. I accept my flaws and my all. I cheer me on. I stand by me. I do not give you opportunities to pretend to care. I save my time for those who do. I have no more expectations for you.
But I want to let you know, that I saw and that I felt and that I am done.
I want you to know that what you have been doing all this time…is very very wrong.