A lot of the time I end up having really good days. Days where I forget you even exist and that you were even a part of my life. I enjoy those the most because after I acknowledge they’ve happened I feel like I know I’ve come a long way. As though I’m actually doing this weird thing that’s expected of people my age, the whole “becoming a mature adult” thing.
I remind myself that I was the definition of a hot mess and can confidently say I’m just the standard level of a mess now. Which is a prideful feeling only a few others and myself can truly understand.
Then there are days when you unwillingly cross my mind more than usual. Out of nowhere I remember all these moments, sometimes conversations or random images. I sit there and try to remember that I’m much happier now, because I am.
I know you’re happier as well and that’s comforting because there will never be a time where I don’t want the best for you. I can swallow my pride enough to admit that, even after the way we’ve turned each other into complete strangers.
It’s just paralyzing to think that you sneak your way into those reflective moments and you don’t suffer through the same thing. Well I’ll disclose, I’m not psychic and this is only an assumption. But it’s more than likely true.
I don’t want this. I don’t want to romanticize any of this. But it’s important to accept that as humans we aren’t built to forget things or people or how they made us feel just like that all at once.
That I think about you from time to time, in no way means I still want to be with you. It doesn’t mean I still have unresolved feelings for you, and it doesn’t mean I miss you and want you back in my life.
I believe this is where we sometimes have a hard time understanding what it is to move forward and what can come with that process. Even if it can feel like an on going never-ending process.
I had a friend confess to me that someone who used to be in her life has been creeping into her thoughts and she absolutely hates it. But why put so much unnecessary weight on it.
It comes and it goes. That’s just a part of leaving that chunk of our lives behind. There’s no way for us to erase it. The most we can hope for is when that wave of everything we’re trying to push through sweeps in we handle it the best way we can, take a deep breath and let it pass.