The last blow-up argument plays over and over again in your head. The relationship is dead, but you still remember who they once were when they were everything that you ever wanted.
Some time has passed and now you’re a brand new person. Your sense of self-love has evolved and you’ve become more whole than you’ve ever been throughout your young adult life — but you still remember.
You remember how they didn’t give you closure after they promised to love you and hold on to you forever, “no matter what, ” just to shrug you off as if you were a passing thought.
Now they’re on to the next thing because the same desire that drew them to you is the same desire that pulled them away from you and into the embrace of everyone else after you — to wipe away the memory that you even mattered to them at one time.
Replaying those same memories of those nights when you thought it was love that bonded you together, when it was actually a tainted version of what you thought was love. The memories won’t fade because you are bonded together by the same mechanism that all human beings use to bring life into the world — and now it hurts because you gave yourself away to somebody that didn’t treasure you as much as you thought they would.
You gave them your body, but they didn’t even give you a name.
So now you play dead until the pain goes away, but nothing works.
You figure that if you stay busy enough, the memories of a forever cut short will eventually fade away. Running into the arms of another lover with promises of a better future still isn’t enough because all you needed to move on was closure , but even that isn’t what you really need.
You’re still struggling with a sense of self worth, struggling to believe that you’re actually as attractive and special as they once made you feel, as the next lover tries to convince you that you still are — but you’re still tattered over a tainted love that you should have never indulged in in the first place.
But you really are enough — enough for the right person.
The lover that has left you in pieces, and who left without a care in the world to share a bed with someone who will never love them as much as you do, wasn’t worthy of you.
The truth is, you are everything you’ve ever wanted, but you believe that someone else needs to be convinced of it in order for you to even be worthy of your own love.
You have friends and family who love you, but their love just isn’t enough . You haven’t given yourself a good reason for why you should even love yourself, so you don’t believe them either.
But you are worthy, flaws and all . You didn’t come with an instruction booklet when you were born , so to even call your imperfections “flaws” is the only one you have.
The pain won’t go away when you lay down and play dead.
The pain may never go away at all , but neither will you. There’s someone out there dreaming of the perfect partner just like you.
They may not be able to wipe away the pain, but they can wipe away your tears .
You’ll know that they’re the “one” because they won’t make you feel like damaged goods or like you’re good for just one night.
They’ll be able to feel the pain in you that still lingers, and the memories of a relationship gone wrong will give you the proper discernment to spot the “one” when they finally come along.
No, they won’t feed your insecurities. No, they won’t create the same feelings that you experienced before with previous toxic relationships. They’ll see past the act of you playing dead to love and expose you to love in its purest form.