How To Win Friends And Influence People For The 140 Character Generation

Make it look like you can drink a lot

Nobody likes that person at the party who has to get babysat by the family porcelain, and they sure as hell don’t like the person sitting in the corner idling on their phone with just a soda in hand. If you want to turn heads, get a little wild. Opt to drink whisky out of a beer bong, and everyone will be fangirling over your antics. Trust me, I’ve been there, and done it. If you don’t show off, then well, you’re just a pussy.

Be jumpy

No, we’re not talking about adderall, save that for your midterms. What I’m getting at here is to cater to more than one social circle. You’ll appear more dignified overall, and the buffet line will always be more appealing than those tasteless school lunches your Mom use to make.

Share the little details, expect the big reaction

Baiting something rather small yet enticing is much more interesting in prolonging a conversation than giving a dull summary. People are impatient.

Front, front as long as you can

Dress like you got your shit together and they’ll believe just that.

Act like you care

You can get away with thinking about her in just her thong as long as you look into her eyes the whole time as she tells you how her life, “Is so hard!” The slight-nod in agreement as she vents is a universal sign that you understand.

Keep your cards close

Keep your troubles to your self, and slowly spoon-feed your life happenings to them. They’ll come back for more.

Play the social game

Gossip, but don’t be the first one to raise a negative point about someone else. That’s just a recipe for you to be the main ingredient for the next pity dialogue. People like to talk, so be sure to make a few crafty remarks and control the flow of the discussion.

Have sex with the same people

It’s not 1950, it’s alright to share the pot. Your fellow eskimo bro(s) will fist bump you once they learned you tasted the same gravy.

Be cocky, but have substance

In a world where we document our every word, show the fuck off. The key is having something to show off though! If not, you’re just a loser, and nobody wants to be friends with a loser. TC mark

image – Shutterstock

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