33 Things You Should Know Before Dating Me

1. I cheated on my girlfriend of eight years which caused our eventual break-up. I did not/do not feel good about it.

2. Sometimes I eat cereal without milk, but I prefer milk.

3. I will offer to pay for meals on the first three dates. After that, we will awkwardly decide to split the check or you will pay.

4. While I can be a music snob (Animal Collective is God) I love pop music in a non-ironic way. If you do not, get over yourself.

5. Farting en plein air is on the table after ten dates.

6. You will drive most of the time. It’s not that I don’t like driving, it’s that I love not driving.

7. I’m 6’2″ but I like to be the little spoon once in a while because I probably wasn’t hugged enough.

8. I’ll write about you.

9. I can cook 1-3 dishes and they are mediocre, but it’s from a guy so you will love it.

10. I like giving oral sex more than receiving it and if you think that’s pandering have you seen the rest of this list?

11. Must love baked goods.

12. Chest/thigh/belly/shoulder hair is a thing you’re gonna have to deal with.

13. PDA is for rare occasions like firework displays or witnessing a person get hit by a car.

14. I am awful at dancing as well as new to comfortably doing it in public so I will embarrass myself/you in a serious way.

15. Are you a pet lover? I am indifferent to them so let’s reign it back, dog-kisser.

16. I judge the shit out of strangers for no reason other than entertainment because I am a monster. It would be cool if you did too because it’s very fun.

17. Sitting on the beach is preferable to long walks. I tire easily and sand is annoying.

18. I drink too much sometimes.

19. There are stretches of time where brushing my teeth is not a priority. Related, I am cool without a shower for at least 1.5 days.

20. If we meet my friends, I will not introduce you properly so get ready to introduce yourself.

21. I have been known to get very jealous.

22. We live in a world of text messaging, but don’t freak out if I don’t answer if I am out. I sometimes willfully ignore them, sometimes I leave my phone in the car.

23. If we’ve drank too much, I can drunk drive pretty well/am not afraid to die (I’m actually terrified of dying).

24. Mini-golf, bowling, arcade games, doesn’t matter. I am competitive and will never, ever consider letting you win. I don’t care how out of my league you are.

25. I’ve lied to self-preserve. But I try hard not to anymore.

26. I enjoy pornography about as much as most gentlemen. Maybe a bit more.

27. If you sincerely use “Facebook official” “lol” or “OMG” in conversation, I doubt this is going to work out.

28. With enough time, I can set up some spectacular dates.

29. I have set foot in a strip club once. It was surreal.

30. Feminism is cool with me.

31. There will be times I choose friends over you because they are fun to be around and it’s hard to see them all the time.

32. Mama’s boy? Probably. The rest of my family is pretty OK too.

33. Spiders do not strike fear in my heart. I got this. TC mark


More From Thought Catalog

  • community

    Well…Good luck finding a girl friend.

    • D


    • kuriboh


    • minicardi


    • penny


    • http://www.facebook.com/alanataylor Alana Taylor

      also +1

  • Kate

    You had me at #16 and #19, lost me at #23.

    • Dogmudgeon

      I’ll make this a “Both Sexes” thing.
      (Tip of the hat to Kate.)

  • Hope Roberts

    I really just loved this.

  • Jake

    33 Reasons i’m single……….

    Although i’m sure there is at least a couple girls who think they are in love

    • Mumblecore Is Better than Jean Renoir

      Seems like a smelly douchebag. Quite par for the course. Pass-adena, baby!

    • annalee

      Everyone of these is a bigger turn-on than your incorrect grammar.

      • annalee

        *every one. Dammit, auto correct.

  • http://gravatar.com/heartofgoldie Jenn Goldie

    HA!! So many things are the same as my list. I love it. I wish everyone would be this honest before they start trying to date me

  • Emma
    • Hannah

      I LOVE having permission to think women aren’t your playthings, Jason Cook!

  • Kelly

    I think I love Jason. Thats pretty much my list and I’m a 49 year old woman.

  • Samantha

    I have one question!

    Where do I sign up? :)

  • LuckyStars

    Re: 30 – Really? You’re not totally turned off by a person’s desire for gender equality? SCORE!!!

    For realsies, I would have a hard time respecting anyone who still wanted to date you after reading this list.

  • Kairshma

    just for this “16. I judge the shit out of strangers for no reason other than entertainment because I am a monster. It would be cool if you did too because it’s very fun.” I would date you

    • lauren

      agree 100%

  • Me

    “I am indifferent to them so let’s reign it back, dog-kisser.”

    It is very fun to judge the shit out of you for your use of “reign” instead of “rein.”

    You sound like a complete dick!

    • Eddie

      also: number 23, the past participle of “to drink” is “drunk” so it should be “I’ve drunk”. Just saying.

    • Mumblecore Is Better than Jean Renoir


  • fuckyoujason@drunkdrivingsucks.com

    #23 — drunk driving is an asshole move. who cares if you get hurt? you could hurt others. asshole.

  • Val


  • wow

    you sound awful

  • http://www.itmakesmestronger.com/2012/07/33-things-you-should-know-before-dating-me-2/ Only L<3Ve @ ItMakesMeStronger.com

    […] Thought Catalog » Love & Sex Add a comment […]

  • No Thanks

    This guy sounds super annoying and self-involved. I think I’ll pass!

    • You're a dick, Jason.


  • cece

    How obnoxious is this guy. Always wanting to have his cake and eat it too. Like we’re supposed to be sympathetic or even empathetic. Seriously think about what you’re perpetuating before making a positive comment, folks.

  • http://twitter.com/facepalm92 ☀ (@facepalm92)

    I’m intrigued by #1. Everything else is cool, but infidelity is not the first thing you disclose to a person you’d like to date. As long as you feel bad about it, and swear to yourself to never do it again, I see no reason for you to beat a drum about it and tell everyone. That’s not only derogatory for you, but also for your ex-girlfriend and your 8 year long relationship. Some things ought to remain between just the two people, right? Well, three in this case.

  • yeahright

    1, 6, 7, 10, 18, 21. Dude, you have serious problems. It’s probably a good thing that you’re not dating someone.

    • yeahwrong

      7, really? what’s so weird about the guy wanting to be the little spoon sometimes? and… why would any girl be turned off by a guy who would rather give than receive head?

  • Anna

    Wait, are people seriously unattracted to you after this? Let’s get married.

    • Jake

      Maybe it was the drunk driving?

    • Elle

      A drunk driver with bad personal hygiene?! WHERE DO I SIGN UP.

  • fatimah

    i just read the first 4 points and can read no more.

  • You're a dick, Jason.

    Apparently he writes for Cape Cod Times and has been featured on the Fox Network — both hubs of good journalism.

  • nope@seeya.com

    Ew. Attempt at endearment FAIL. Hey Jason. See ya!

    • brushyourteeth458

      LOL your handle is a perfect description of my reaction to this piece.

  • Helenor M

    Ok. Who picks the writers for this site? A drunk child could write something more interesting. This guy is the most self-absorbed, boring, wannabe writer I’ve encountered on the internet in a long time. Why would you brag about your nasty, crusty mouth? There is noting respectable about Jason Cook.

  • Jess

    This post was completely pointless and you sound like a smelly fucking weirdo.

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