My Ex Hates Me

When we stopped being friends or lovers or friendly lovers, I asked you to do one thing, which was to please never hate me. It was a seemingly simple request. Even though things had ended on a sour note between us, it was important that we still looked back on everything with a smile. Our relationship was owed that smile. It deserved it. We gave each other so much joy and happiness. To think that one day, I could possibly lose the right to even call you in a time of crisis seems unreal.

I remember talking to you on the phone when we broke up. It was 4:30PM and I was in Murray Hill of all places—34th and 2nd avenue to be exact—talking to you about why things needed to end. You agreed actually and everything felt pretty amicable. I just asked you for one thing: “Please don’t hate me. You’re not allowed to hate me. We’ve been through too much together for you to just start disliking me.” I told you that I will always have love and respect for you. “I don’t want you to ever feel disgust when someone brings up my name,” I told him. “I want you to always think of good things.” This might seem like too much to ask but given the nature of our relationship, it wasn’t. It would hurt too much to remain friends but since there was such a deep foundation of love and respect, I never thought we could become enemies.

But here we are a few years later and you hate me. You’ve blocked me on Facebook (the modern way of saying “I hate your guts!”) and you won’t even mention my name while in the presence of mutual friends. How did we get to this point? It makes me sick to think that someone who once meant so much to me could start to erase everything. At least you’re not indifferent. That would be truly frightening. As long as you hate me, I know you still feel something about me; I know that I still have the power to get emotion out of you.

I can’t call you anymore. I lost that right some time ago. I can’t expect you to ever ask how I’m doing because you won’t do it. I can’t get anything out of you anymore. We’ve gone from everything to nothing and it’s such a damn shame. Again, maybe I was asking too much, maybe I wanted to have my break up cake and eat it too. It’s just that I’ve had a lot of exes who have disappeared and that was fine, that’s what I wanted, but I always envisioned you to be the ex who would stick around. We’d be like Gwen Stefani and Tony Kanal from No Doubt. The break up would be intense but we would eventually rediscover the friendship and be okay.  Gwen wrote a whole song about this called “Cool” and I wanted that so badly to be our song.

This is an ending I no longer have control of. I have to accept that you’re going to fade away like all the others. We won’t be married adults who invited each other to our respective weddings. “I used to be in love with this person but now I just love them and that’s okay. I love them too much to not have them in my life.” Yeah, that will never happen.

Sometimes I wish we just remained friends and never got together. That’s the risk you always take, isn’t it? By getting into a relationship with someone, you have the ability to experience everything with them, but you also have to understand that you could eventually have nothing to do with them. If we never dated, I wouldn’t be writing this. Instead, I would be at your house watching the television and feeling content being with my best friend. TC mark

Image – Brandon Schauer

More From Thought Catalog

  • Maggie Cassidy

    This is exactly how I feel about my ex and it’s so not fair. I’m completely over him romantically, but I still miss the friendship that predated our relationship and I don’t understand why he threw that away too.

    • http://www.nosexcity.com NoSexCity

      Hint: nothing in life is ever fair.

    • http://www.nosexcity.com NoSexCity

      Hint: nothing in life is ever fair.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=707272007 Alex Thayer

    damn, this makes me feel terrible.

    excellent work!

  • Anonymous

    Why didn’t you break up in person? Was the relationship at least worth that?

  • http://somuchtocome.blogspot.com Aja

    I think when people get dumped they reserve the right to upset.   Endings usually aren’t truly amicable regardless of how smooth it might have felt . . . I think that was probably your ex putting on a brave face.  But if your friendship was as strong before you started dating as you believe it to be, than your ex won’t be angry forever.  You should probably think about if this person liked you in “that” way while you were sitting on the couch watching television together as friends.  Most likely they did.  So it’s silly to deny people the right to be upset.  Something is ending and life is changing.  You can’t just gloss over it and pretend like everything’s normal. 

  • http://twitter.com/meghanne Meghan Pittman

    As far as my life goes, this is impeccable timing and really well said. Especially: 

    “That’s the risk you always take, isn’t it? By getting into a relationship with someone, you have the ability to experience everything with them, but you also have to understand that you could eventually have nothing to do with them.”

    TRUTH

  • Hmm

    Beware the friend zone.

    • http://www.nosexcity.com NoSexCity

      Friend zone is only for those that haven’t crossed over into the more-than-friends zone, buddy.

    • http://www.nosexcity.com NoSexCity

      Friend zone is only for those that haven’t crossed over into the more-than-friends zone, buddy.

  • balzman

    look i get we all want to live in this fantasy world where when we’re done with someone we can just go straight to friendship.  do u have any inkling as to how they maybe felt?  maybe that its too hard for them to just see you as a friend, even tho you’re over it?  i don’t care really about how things end, or the situation and circumstances…a break up is never mutual.  i will argue that forever.

    I’ve been on both sides of this fence, and frankly, when someone i’ve dumped or have ended things with don’t want to talk and be friends, i can at least empathize and understand where they’re coming from.  I’ve felt just the way they have felt about other people who have broken my heart, and frankly, its selfish to not mind how they feel.  its unfortunately a part of life.

    • http://somuchtocome.blogspot.com Aja

      I agree whole heartedly.  If you’re doing the dumping, you don’t get to dictate how the other person should feel.  

  • Asdf

    It *is* too much to ask, especially since *you* broke up with him. In a break up, it should be the person who has been dumped to set precedent for the relationship, not the other way around. How do you know he wants to hear about the problems you’re having with your current lover? I doubt he does. 

    I know after I was dumped by a long-time girlfriend, we remained “friends” for years until I had enough of her calling me whenever she had a problem with a current boyfriend. Got tired of it, since it never allowed me the time I needed to get over her.I understand where you’re coming from, but you have to understand where he’s coming from. Probably from a place of pain and abandonment that your having left him caused. Maybe he’s still not over you; maybe he never will be. Maybe that’s the problem. It’s often how intense relationships end, unfortunately.There is a reason they say to never date your best friend.

  • Soporific

    Girls are such bitches.  Stop being so selfish.  If he doesn’t want you in his life, he is ALLOWED to.  He no longer has to do anything you want him to do.  He owes you nothing.  Get over it.
    YES, you ARE that easy to get over.

    • Ali

       Author is a dude.

    • Ken

      You are such an idiot.

  • Jesper Dahl

    Here is a wild speculation;
    You probably never noticed, and it doesn’t even have to be a real reason, but somewhere between then and now you probably screwed up. Or at least your ex believes that.
    I have been asked by exes to stay friends, but never by the exes that deserved my friendship, only by those that screwed me over.

  • http://www.facebook.com/jesperdahl Jesper Dahl

    Here is a wild speculation;
    You probably never noticed, and it doesn’t even have to be a real reason, but somewhere between then and now you probably screwed up. Or at least your ex believes that.
    I have been asked by exes to stay friends, but never by the exes that deserved my friendship, only by those that screwed me over.

  • Sceneryhog

    Here is My perspective as a woman:

    Number 1: You broke up with her OVER THE PHONE! If she did mean anything to you, you don’t do it over the phone unless you are a coward.   You do it in person.  Number 2: You set the stage to how it should be after the breakup.  She had no say in the matter.
    Number 3: You left her with the only way to get rid of you: delete, delete, delete.

    • Rando

      Valid points for any relationship, but don’t get too caught up in the whole “perspective as a woman” thing. The author’s name is Paul. The author refers to the ex as “him”. Seems to be two males.

  • Allie

    Or, you can have what I’ve got right now: I did the breaking up, and we’re trying to remain friends except he tells me all the time about how much hates me. So… maybe it’s better you don’t have to get an earful of that, and grin and bear it all the time?

  • http://www.facebook.com/Adellacosplay Sarah Quillian

    Dunno if this was a good one to blast online babe.  None of these people have any clue what your relationship with him was like.  :(  Too much speculation is left for them to throw poo around with.  I find this article rather sad, and hope someday that it will reverse itself.

  • http://twitter.com/JustGeeee Geleen Faye Gallego

    As you said, that’s the risk you took. We just can’t have it both ways. We just can’t pretend that nothing happened then go on with our life lalalala. You just can’t order what the other person should feel.

    “By getting into a relationship with someone, you have the ability to experience everything with them, but you also have to understand that you could eventually have nothing to do with them. ”

    After all, the positive part is that we always learn.     

    • Teresa

      I don’t think this post can be generalized and it’s important to keep in mind that every relationship and every break-up is different. In my case, I was in a verbally and emotionally abusive relationship for a long time. It ended due to unfaithfulness, which further emphasized my ex’s lack of appreciation and respect for me. I extended my friendship to him to uphold the level of respect I committed myself to since the beginning, even when he never did. I found out he was just as bad of a friend as he was a boyfriend and began to reconsider this “friendship.” I asked myself: if this person adds no value to my life, why is he in one way or another involved in it? Why should I offer support that will never be reciprocated?
      I gained a hell of a lot of perspective in the past years after my break-up and realized that what I thought was a loving, healthy relationship between two people who were madly in love was actually none of these things. For this reason it is difficult to hold on to good moments (and we did have them) when the bad ones surpass them. I just think it’s important to emphasize that perspectives change and your ex may now think that your relationship was not as great as he or she thought it was. One has to have the ability to put one’s self in the other’s shoes. That’s a sign of true compassion and it’s the first step towards a friendship after a break-up

  • Chris

    “As long as you hate me, I know you still feel something about me; I know that I still have the power to get emotion out of you.”

    True. I would probably like being hated more than forgotten.

  • J.N.R.

    This article describes exactly why I am incredibly ill towards my ex.

  • http://www.broadsofthebeltway.com Broadsofthebeltway

    It sounds as if you feel that you deserve to be in control over how she feels about you, your relationship, or your break-up, and you don’t.

    There is something that seems very abrasive of your complaints about her ‘hating you,’ as if the friendship is only made impossible because of her. When you break up with someone, you don’t get to dictate the way you proceed as exes.

    It sounds as if she is dealing with this in a way that is healthy for her – please examine your own behavior and be honest with yourself about how irrational she is really being. It doesn’t sound like you’ve been much of a friend, either.

  • meg

    This is painfully 1000% true. You’ve put into words something that’s pained me for so so long and Ithought I was going nuts. Thank you!

  • http://fastfoodies.org Briana

    Man, I miss him sometimes. :-/

  • douchegirl

    Never date your best friend. I learned that the hard way. The hardest way, actually. 

  • in a similar vein
  • jaybird

    ahhhhhh i hate that this is sooo painfully true!

  • Anonymous

    Wow.. even makes me feel sorry for blocking someone that had no respect for me or others.  I hate reason sometimes.  But I know when I blocked them, I did it when they were around people that could love and support them in my absence.  That’s the reasoning part that I hoped they knew I had.  Best closure.       

  • http://twitter.com/mung_beans 371747

    ” “Please don’t hate me. You’re not allowed to hate me. We’ve been through too much together for you to just start disliking me.” I told you that I will always have love and respect for you. “I don’t want you to ever feel disgust when someone brings up my name,” I told him. “I want you to always think of good things.””

    What a drama queen.

blog comments powered by Disqus