Grindr 101

Locating a gay man on a tiny computer has been made easier than ever before thanks to Grindr-an iPhone app that promises to deliver semi-accurate estimations of homosexuals in proximity to you. To use it, simply open your iPhone and go to the application store. Look for the application Grindr, and download it. Beware, there are many homosexuals near you.

Once you get logged in, starting conversations with nearby homosexuals is incredibly easy, you just need to learn how to talk to them. My studies suggest that they do indeed speak in a form of “code”. Unbeknownst to them, myself and other insiders have translated their tricky language, and are now ready to publish our findings within this article. First, you should know that getting any type of dialogue going is virtually impossible if you do not have a “pic” – ah, tricky. Pic stands for picture. Shockingly, most of them want pictures of your face, and not of your diseased groin. So make sure you send them something – or you won’t get any information out of them at all. I like to use ex-boyfriend headshots, but a quick Google search for “twink” usually gives them what they’re looking for. Twink, is apparently not associated with the scrumptious chocolate confection Twinkie. It is however a very thin young boy who can be quite disturbing to look at – but it is in their nature to deceive the impressionable youth. Also, you will encounter phrases like – “What are you looking for?”. This vague and disturbing question is referring to anal, oral, and other perverse sexual activities. You’ll find that some homosexuals are looking to play the role of a woman during intercourse, while others may want to pretend to be a man and “do the deed”. Try saying you are “looking for ski lessons while you ride BB on the DL with NSA”. You don’t need / want to know what that means, but it will work – every time.

You may find great luck in catching the attention of many homosexuals near you by using the terms “cum” and “pig” together in your profile. From what I have come to understand, this is a creature who wants to eat and (probably) roll around in exorbitant amounts of male semen. Clever as the terminology may be, word play cannot save your soul. I have also observed characters advertising themselves as a “cum dumpster”. Not sure yet what that one is all about. It must be some sort of receptacle for male semen? You will experience being called “Bro” and “Dude”. Many men will greet you with “Sup”. If you receive a “Sup Bro”, you’re in luck! This means that a fairy has decided to role play with you as if you’re both real men. From here, you just need to use the right language and send crude photography. The possibilities with this tiny homosexual-finding computer are not only exciting and safe, but they’re also potentially a great tool to access homosexuals directly, in attempt to find some remnants of humanity that may be worth saving. Just be careful! If you find a homosexual within 600 feet of you, you may very well be at risk of attack, which could lead to such problems as being forced to inhale “poppers”-a type of poisonous paint thinner used by homosexuals to confuse their prey.

It is unclear whether homosexual practices like Bestiality, Incest, Adult Baby Role Play, and Dendrophilia are openly discussed while chatting on Grindr or something that you get into upon introduction.  These are dark times, but they’re getting better. The shrouded world of the homosexual has been illuminated by fantastic high-tech dating machines. As Jesus said while dying on the cross in agony for your sins, (but not the sins of homosexuals) – “With great power comes great responsibility.” Be smart, be willing, and most of all – be safe. TC mark

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  • Erik

    This could have been a really great article. Instead of finding the fun and humor in an app like Grindr, you unfortunately decided to use this article as a channel to belittle and generalize gay men.

    First off, you should know that referring to gay men as “homosexuals” is generally a bit offensive…but you seem to already know that, as your overuse of the term throughout the entire article seemed to aim to do exactly that – offend. The line where you deemed gay men as not “real men,” was absolutely ridiculous – grow up, man up. And as far as I know, Bestiality, Incest, Adult Baby Role Play, and Dendrophilia are not “homosexual” practices, but rather, “homo sapien practices.”

    I am not an uptight person by nature, and generally enjoy making fun of things like Grindr and poppers, and other elements of the “gay lifestyle” at my expense, but I had to comment here. This could have been a great, satirical article, and if that's what you were going for, Noah, you failed. I love Thought Catalog, but ouch…this one was painful. Take this shit down.

    • NoahTourjee

      Beastiality isn't a homosexual practice???

      • Erik

        I should have known this is how you would respond. You seem like a great writer – I wish you'd take your criticism with a grain of salt instead of with a line like that. That's all I got.

        Erik

      • Bodie

        I agree with erik. Thought that this article could have really hit some funny points and satire this application that SOME people use. Instead of focusing on funny parts of the application, you decided to satirize the gay male community as a whole, and you did it poorly. If Noahtourjee was in fact gay, I would still say that this was not really funny, missed the mark, and was a sorry attempt at making gays look bad.

    • A. Concerned Citizen

      Would it make a difference if Noah were gay and wrote this?

      I think he's gay in some of his other pieces on here.

    • http://sixmetamorphoses.blogspot.com/ The Other Jordan

      As a gay guy, I spend about 75% of my time generalizing and belittling other gay men. The thing that really upset me was that Noah thought up all this stuff before me.

  • http://twitter.com/DMULLOL dee-bo

    thought this was funny

  • BEN

    ERIK WINS!

  • bee

    there's no chocolate in a twinkie. get your facts straight, sir.

  • Stefan

    not funny, or even very original.

    also, why are people still writing about grindr like it's some huge new discovery? I'll never understand.

    • Taylor

      Do you not 'get' this piece? It doesn't seem that anyone really does. This is very tight satire that never breaks the wall between that satirical voice and what the author really thinks. Using the app 'Grindr' to bound off of and using claims that are just ridiculous (and by the way, practiced by society at large and heterosexuals just as much) the author points out a bunch of uncomfortable and idiotic stereotypes, which are simply things that go on no matter what your sexual preference.

      Well written satire if not a tad dated, as many people see the light, and I assume most people that prescribe to this blog don't have negative attitudes towards gays.

      It seems this piece has gone over many commenter's heads.

      Just my two cents though, I could be overreaching!

      • Stefan

        I don't think me not thinking it's funny or original (or particularly well written; I didn't find it subtle enough for that) means I didn't 'get' it. Although I think the fact that it's so dated (especially to someone who's used it a few times) is really what kills it for me. Just color me underwhelmed.

      • Taylor

        Cool cool, I get what you mean, sorry 'bout the assumption.

  • Anonymous!

    You should get over your insecurities and just use Grindr and craigslist for sex yourself instead of putting down people who do.

  • Bodie

    now this is a much better satire of Grindr

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Carles-Gimferrer/100000959981651 Carles Gimferrer

    There’re many apps like Grindr… Zenkiu (www.zenkiu.net) it’s more powerful as features alerts by proximity, or GayBox has a wonderful interface with many options… Imho Grindr was, maybe, the 1st, but it shouldn’t be used as a “reference” app as many other are, at this moment, better or, at least, more convenient to use.

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