1. Google it.
Translation: Wait, you’ve heard of the Internet, right? So why in the name of the World Wide Web are you asking me? I would just Google the answer myself. So lets just go ahead and cut me right-on-out of this little fact-finding mission. Deal?
2. I know right?
Translation: You soooooo get me. I soooooo get you. Sooooo why can’t those idiots out there soooooo get us too? Right?
3. Life is not turning out like it’s supposed to.
Translation: I thought college was hard, but holy hell I expected my twenties to be filled with a lot less work and a lot more weekends in Vegas, and somehow starting an online business that would go viral — week one. Week two if it was a slow Internet week. My parents, teachers, and the world wide web all lied to me.
4. That’s so hipster.
Translation: That’s so not cool that it’s cool, until it’s too cool then it will be part of the scene, which will make it no longer cool, unless I can claim that I was totally on board before it was cool. Then the non-cool, cool, viral movement, can stay cool, well, until my mom Facebook’s it. Then all bets are off.
5. I’m a social media expert.
Translation: Umm… I’ve had a Facebook account since it was theFacebook. Need I say more? Yes, I’m fine starting at $47,000 a year just as long as we both understand that I don’t come into the office before 10 AM and I need an iPhone upgrade before I start.
6. I’ve totally got a killer side-hustle going.
Translation: Yep, I’m still working at Starbucks. And If you ask me one more question about how you can make a Chai Tea Latté at home, I swear I’ll send you a computer virus that will blow up your computer like a WWII hand-grenade delivered directly into your inbox.
7. Oh yeah, I love that App.
Translation: I have no idea what that App does or if that’s an App at all, but since I’m the social media expert here I’m going to act like I helped code the dang thing.
8. I’ll totally jump on that right now (said to a boss or supervisor).
Translation: Yes I’ll get right on that task, after I slowly walk back to my desk as I finish the text to my best friend about our plans tonight, then stand next to my chair as I quickly reply back to the Tweet that just came from @Hollaatme101. Then I’ll jump on my computer and navigate between the 21 tabs I have open on Chrome to find the Google Doc I need…oops…someone just instant messaged me on Facebook…No, I have not seen the video of the boy juggling bowling balls while singing “Living on a Prayer” — all autotuned. Thank you very much. Wow…is it lunch time already…?
9. I just wasn’t passionate about it, you know?
Translation: Seriously dude, I worked there seven months and they still hadn’t promoted me. So I quit. I mean what other options did I have?
10. Facebook me.
Translation: No, I’m not giving you my phone number. Who do you think we are, friends?
11. Text me.
Translation: OK you have my number, but let’s keep talking to a bare minimum. Call only in emergencies.
12. You called? Oh sorry I haven’t checked my voicemail in awhile.
Translation: Seriously is it 1997? Why are you leaving me a voicemail? Text me if it’s important.
13. Yeah we’re talkin’.
Translation: OK, we’ve made out twice. Once after line-dancing and enough drinks that I thought I was still two-stepping three hours after we left. And then the other make-out sesh was completely sober. Ok, mostly sober…Ok, this time at least I knew we were making out whilst making out. So I still haven’t actually asked her out on a date, but I think we’re together, or at least I think we’re texting at an above-average rate.
14. We’re beyond labels.
Translation: I’m way too freaked out to ask what we are because I think I might be waaaaayyyy more into him than he is into me. Umm, do you maybe want to Facebook him to see how into me he is?
15. I’m so over her.
Translation: I stayed up until 2am Facebook-stalking her last night, going through 434 photos (from her 6th grade dance recital until college graduation) while listening to Death Cab for Cutie and eating vanilla icing straight from a tube. But that was last night. Today I haven’t thought about her more than eight times.
16. Ohmygosh, of course I’ll be your bridesmaid!!
Translation: $300 for a fuschia dress that I’ll never wear again. $75 for a pair of shoes that feel like they’re embedded with shards of glass. $200 to pay for the Bachelorette Party, dinner, lunch, drinks, your present, and your manicure. Just so I can stand in the blazing sun while the fuschia-venus-fly-traps you picked for shoes literally eat my feet alive, only to make it to the reception and have your grandma come up to me, smile, and say these three words, “Time is ticking.”
I’m only planning to get married so that I can have my revenge.
17. Dude, of course I’ll be a groomsmen.
Translation: Your fiancé’s pretty hot so there has to be a pretty good chance for equally hot bridesmaids, right? If not, you better believe I’m drinking beyond what is socially acceptable and dancing so hard to “Beat It” that half the dance floor is going to stop and stare. Oh, and you’re mom won’t look me in the eyes again or mention me by name. Cool?
18. I love Obama!
Translation: Seriously, do you even need to ask? I love what Obama has done for this country, especially the thing about ummm…the war….and…you know, the policy about driving organic cars.
19. I think I’m having a quarter life crisis.
Translation: I just spent all weekend in my pajamas watching re-runs of Friends, Boy Meets World, Full House, and then a marathon of Family Feud wishing my family could be that happy, all while crying off and on, and polishing off the rest of the ice cream, then crushing the remaining Oreos into ajar of peanut butter and eating it all with a plastic spoon because I haven’t done the dishes since Christmas. If it’s not a quarter life crisis, then what is it?
20. I need a road-trip.
Translation: I have no idea what I’m doing or where I’m going, but hell, anywhere is better than here.
21. I hella totes love that meme.
Translation: The masses have endorsed that dancing cat, so now so shall I. If I share it before it hits a million views that would be so hipster.Oh, and I’ve lost the ability to hear myself say ridiculous abreeves. And for that, I apologize.