Last night I had one of those life changing painful realizations. My life is not going to be the same ever again. I’m in love with my best friend.
It sounds simple and I know it happens to a lot of people, I even know it sometimes turns out alright, they like them back and a lovely romance evolves. This will never be my case.
We met over 6 years ago, when we were 14 years old and we thought we knew everything about life and being cool. We had just started high school and he had a lot of friends, I barely knew anyone. So we stuck together. We love the same music and he even dated a model, years older than him, because I helped him (a life time high for him). The relationship we had was fun, brother sisterly, and built on trust.
It stayed the same throughout the years. I had a crush on one of his best friends, confessed, got rejected and he chased the same girl for over 3 years just to have a shitty relationship when she finally said yes. We stayed best friends even when she hated me because she was jealous, and I hated her because she hurt my friend. We stayed best friends when we couldn’t go out in the same group because his friend that rejected me was there and it felt horrible.
We had a brief fallout in our freshman year in college, we went to the same school. And we changed, he had new friends and so had I. We both became pretentious douchebags and we fought over and over about stupid things. He called me a bitch and I called him an asshole, but we knew deep that that that’s exactly what we were. So we let it go and started hanging out again.
He isn’t the needy type, and I’m not either. We could spend a month without seeing each other and with one unanswered “hello” text and no one would be mad. Because when we finally saw each other it would be like a crappy chick flick’s pajama party. I’d tell him my secrets and he’d tell me his, we’d laugh and eat junk food and be happy. I can honestly say that it felt a lot like home.
Until last week I started to get pissy when my girlfriends told me they thought he was hot. And I got extra pissed when HE told me he had a new fling. It made me angry and jealous in a way I had never felt, not even with my boyfriends.
A few days later I threw a tantrum because he didn’t want to pick me up before a night out with our friends. And last night I was so pissed off because he didn’t pick up my phone calls (‘cause he was with his future girlfriend) that I was red in the face, and I never even blush.
Last night we talked for a little while, and he pushed me away gently when I got a little too close to him. And I can’t remember if that had ever happened before, that I got too close or that he had pushed me away.
Last night our knees were touching and when he heard someone approach (probably thinking it was the girl) he flinched away so violently it looked like he had jumped.
Last night he left the bar early to go to a party and I stayed behind with a girlfriend, and she told me that I was stupid and that I had to realize I was in love with him. And that it was okay because we care deeply about each other, and that he’s great, and funny, and kind, and just the right amount of goofy. She didn’t know how hard I was trying not to cry. I denied everything and changed the subject.
Last night I looked at everyone just to avoid looking at him. I brought his best friend home and did absolutely none of the things I would have done to him a month ago. We ate cold food in the kitchen and talked our ears off to try to sober up. He smiled at me and left early.
Last night I cried myself to sleep thinking of all those things. Thinking about all the times he called me his little sister because that’s how he sees me. I looked back at all the things we’ve done together, and how stupid I was because I never realized my feelings before. And how utterly stupid I am now for realizing, not knowing was so much easier.
And I can’t tell him. I can’t ruin our friendship like that. In a few months I’m going abroad, probably to never come back. I will miss him, I will probably cry myself to sleep a few more times, before I even leave. I will not text him back, I will let him be happy with his girlfriends, and I will even try to get myself a boyfriend. I will inch away slowly because I don’t want to hurt him, yet I know he doesn’t love me back like that. I know him better than I know myself.
We always said that we were the exception of the rule, that a boy and a girl can’t be best friends because one will fall for the other or both will. We said that it was possible, that we were brother and sister, best friends until the end of time.
Well I’m not the exception of the rule. And we’re not going to be best friends until the end.