The Myth Of The Stay-At-Home Dad

I became a stay-at-home dad for one reason: the pussy.

It wasn’t because I’m a writer and am already home all day anyway. No, it wasn’t to save money since daycare costs as much as Notre Dame tuition. And it certainly wasn’t after reading that one study about how kids with a parent at home end up something like 75% less likely to rob a bank.

I volunteered for that most noble of fatherly duties because of its potential to tap some serious ass while my wife’s at work.

Society has told me there is a light at the end of the tunnel of pooped diapers and sticky vomit. And that light is shaped like a vulva.

It’s a fact: women love a guy with a baby.

Pretty much every man on the parental fence knows, in the back of his head, hot girls will magically start flirting once that kid arrives. It’s what seals the fatherhood deal most of the time. In fact, close inspection of the Baby Bjorn owner’s manual shows that the world’s finest uncomfortable papoose-looking thingy was created to specifically aid a stay-at-home dad’s quest for Wednesday afternoon oral.

Or, so I was led to believe.

Now I realize the stereotype of a father’s irresistibility was nothing more than a clever double-fakeout. A ploy for free nannying.

For a long time I just figured our baby was busted. Or worse… ugly.

But that’s not possible.

For starters, Walter has my nose and his mom’s blue eyes and these adorable chubby cheeks. My kid is the Ryan Gosling of four-month-olds. And yet, book-sexy lasses at the library ignore me when I say “Daddy loves you” in that silly voice Walter enjoys and kiss his forehead. Skinny jeaned girls at Kroger don’t even try to make-out after I tickle his chin in the vegetable aisle. Not once has an attractive runner in a sports bra offered a handjob while pushing the stroller down a sidewalk. Even though it’s perfectly good handjob weather.

No, my kid isn’t defective. He’s not sex-repellent. The baby is not the problem.

The problem is society tricking legions of men to stay home and raise their own children.

The epiphany arrived one Sunday morning before the sun was anywhere near up –scooping Similac into a bottle, head throbbing for coffee that’ll have to wait until Junior is fed, changed and chilled out. Women have been lying to me! The promise of unlimited booty was just a mirage. While my wife is off having the time of her life at the office, I’m stuck at the house with no hope of an illicit affair.

How else can I explain this strange lack of extra-marital acrobatics? It’s pretty clear that women never found it adorable that grown men were lugging around kids. This is just a scam that sticks papa with all the responsibility while mom’s probably getting nails painted or some hair waxed while sipping mimosas and laughing about our monogamous genitals.

By my calculations, decades-worth of ladies have been paying it forward, propagating this rumor that “yes, we think it’s sexy when a guy takes care of a baby.” All the while, they’ve had no intention of ever sexing me up. The entire female species has tricked me into caring for my son.

Nice try ladies — I’m on to you.

But it’s your lucky day, this secret is safe. True, I could take this bombshell to Congress or FOX News or the suddenly unsexy dad-n-lad Thursday playgroup. But, I won’t.

Why?

Because, single ladies and your vaginas, the joke’s on you. Our fragile little treaty will remain unshattered for now, because I kind of like wearing sweat pants and not shaving and smelling this way.

And, yes, don’t even say it. I know there’s a stain on my shirt. It’s spitup from yesterday’s lunch.

Get one last look, because it’s all for my wife. Tough luck. TC mark

image – Shutterstock

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  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=704016484 Joe Ott

    This was very well executed and funny.  I kept thinking of the dad from Californication. Very nice to hear from someone on this site who isn’t 25, single and depressed. 

    • Patrick Wensink

      Don’t worry, I’m totally depressed!

  • Anonymous

    My unborn fetus friend is either kicking because he liked this article, or because of the chocolate cookie I just ate for breakfast. Either way, well done, old chap. I’m definitely not showing it to my future stay-at-home baby’s daddy boyfriend, who I’m still diligently trying to convince that staying home with this kid all day will mean mega pussy from strangers in parks. He wouldn’t know how to handle it anyway. But it’s good to have dreams. 

    • Patrick Wensink

      Indeed!

    • Mike Germon

      Busted!

  • Anonymous

    You called your kid Walter Wensink?  

    • Patrick Wensink

      There was never any debate between my wife and I.

  • Tadpole1992

    Hot men with babies are attractive.  But women don’t do anything about it because the men are clearly good enough men to stay at home to take care of their kids.  It gets us thinking about having our own kids.  There’s a pic somewhere online of Cam Gigandet with his kid and he’s hotter than ever.

    • Patrick Wensink

      Interesting. You know, I probably should have asked a woman or something before writing this. Thanks.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1123705458 Drew Shackleford

    Are you kidding? I literally hear the popping of ladies’ ovaries when my boyfriend walks by with my kid in tow. They just melt right there on the sidewalk, into a cooing bubbly mess.

    • Patrick Wensink

      Damn, I’m starting to think I’m the problem here. 

      I had suspicions. 

  • http://twitter.com/mung_beans Mung Beans

    kids are whatever

    • Patrick Wensink

      My son keeps telling me the same thing.

  • Aedyn

    It is seriously my dream to marry a guy that would be a stay-at-home dad. Unfortunately, I feel like most of the men that I have dated wouldn’t feel secure enough in their masculinity to let the wife “wear the pants”. Ugh, men. 

    • Patrick Wensink

      My son will be of marrying age in 18 years. I’ll raise him up right. 

      • Patrick Wensink

        By which I mean, I’ll raise him to know it’s okay to freeload off girls.

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