So you got the interview, one of the biggest hurdles is over, and you got your foot in the door. But you’re not too excited because you know there are still infinite ways you can still fuck this up. Luckily for you, I’m here to help. Based on my own experiences, I have compiled a list of the most important things to do and not do to fool employers into thinking you’re the ideal candidate for their company.
Do: Change your last name on Facebook to your middle name. This is a fool-proof system that employers are simply unable to crack. Your blacked-out drunk photos and uninformed political rants will be safe with you and your hundreds of acquaintances.
Do: Research. Knowing about the company and their mission shows that you care. If you have a little extra time, try digging up prior scandals or a conspiracy that goes all the way to the top. Blackmail your way to a cushy desk job.
Don’t: Be Late. Plan on getting there 30 minutes early, that way if it takes longer than expected, you’ll still make it with time to spare. Besides, what more important things could you possibly be doing, you unemployed piece of shit.
Don’t: Show up naked. I know there are tons of things to worry about when preparing for an interview, but do not forget to put on clothes before leaving the house. Exposed genitals can be a major distraction for not only you, but the interviewer as well.
Do: Dress professionally. You remembered to get dressed, that’s half the battle. For guys, a pair of pressed slacks and a button-up dress shirt should do the trick, and for ladies, wear a ball gown or something I don’t know I’m not a girl.
Don’t: Leave the volume on your phone on. Put it on vibrate or Do Not Disturb. Note that I didn’t say, “Turn off your phone.” No one turns off their phone anymore, okay? Quit telling people to do something that they’re not going to do.
Don’t: Tell the interviewer your real weaknesses. This is not the time to talk about your habitual procrastination or love for the band Nickelback. Let them find that out after they hire you.
Do: Have some made-up weaknesses ready. Feed them some bullshit like, “Some may say I’m a perfectionist, and get upset when things don’t work out exactly as planned.”
Do: Drink an almost scary amount of coffee before the interview. Your caffeine buzz will fool the interviewer into thinking you’re energetic and passionate about the position you are applying for; instead of seeing you as the lethargic slug you really are.
Don’t: Try to seduce the interviewer into giving you the job. While what happens in pornos does often translate to the real world, most companies view unsolicited sexual advances as a sign of poor character.
Do: Maintain good posture throughout the interview process. Often overlooked, sitting in the upright position makes you appear more confident and professional. The interviewer will have no idea how much you hate yourself.
Don’t: Speak ill of former colleagues or supervisors even though everyone agreed with you that Meghan was a total bitch.
Do: Bring extra resumes to the interview. The HR department may or may not have been given a copy of your resume. Providing your own copies not only exhibits preparedness, but also shows that you are confident that you can back up all the embellishments and flat out lies you put on there.
Don’t: Ask about salary or benefits until after you have received a job offer. You need the job more than they need you. Fuckin’ Obama, right?
Do: Be prepared to take a drug test. Turn down for what? Employment :-(
Don’t: Make jokes. Even if the 70s called and asked for the interviewer’s tie back.
Do: Be ready to ask the interviewer a question or two. This is a great opportunity to turn the tables on them and ask something like, “Does this position allow for upward mobility?”
Don’t: Forget to take notes during the interview. Honestly it doesn’t matter what you write down; just write some shit. Taking notes shows attentiveness and organizational skills.
Do: Remember to ask for your interviewer’s contact information so you can follow up and thank them for their time. Employers love a good kiss-ass.