As a Spring 2014 college graduate with a degree in English, I’ve spent the past few months trying to figure out what to do next with my life. And drinking. Lots and lots of drinking. Family gatherings have begun to feel like impromptu interrogations. Every question is asked in such a way that they all seem to mean, “Why don’t you have a job yet, you worthless piece of shit?” The lease is about to be up on your college apartment and the harsh realization that you might have to move back in with your parents is becoming more and more apparent by the day. If you can relate, the following are probably all thoughts that have run through your head in recent weeks.
1. I hate anyone who had a job lined up. They probably don’t even enjoy them. How come no one told me about job fairs?
2. I should have just gone to a technical college. At least I’d have a useful skill other than being able to write 10 pages on the symbolic use of the supernatural in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.
3. I know someone who taught English in Korea for a while, maybe I could do that.
3B. 3B. Wait is it good Korea or bad Korea? I don’t even speak Korean. Korea is how far away? Never mind.
4. Okay seriously that hot mugshot guy who’s in a gang got offered a huge modeling contract and all I have is a little Drunk in Public charge from freshman year and I still can’t find a job? This is bullshit. Also, fuck the Kardashians.
5. Maybe I’ll just bartend for a year while I figure out what I want to do.
6. I wish my parents owned a business so I could just do that. Or at least be rich and support me while I flounder.
7. Why can’t someone pay me money to watch Netflix in bed?
8. I bet if I got an Adderall prescription things would drastically change for the better.
9. Should I get my Masters? Then I can continue with my alcoholism and poor dietary habits.
9B. 9B. Wait, what the hell would I use a Masters degree for if I can’t even find a use for my Bachelor’s?
10. I have a college degree. Someone should just GIVE me a job.
11. Law School. I should do Law School. If Elle Woods can do it why can’t I?
11B. I’m a college graduate I should not be making life decisions based on things I’ve seen in movies.
12. I could change my identity to avoid loan payments. I’m sure it’s possible. They did it in Breaking Bad all the time.
13. Maybe a different haircut would improve my luck. Maybe one of those ‘shave the side of your head’ things.
14. [After finishing season 2 of Orange is the New Black] Jail does not even look that bad, almost seems fun. They get to do that for free? All I’m saying is it’s an option.
15. How does one get a job at BuzzFeed? I’d be fine with being paid to find gifs on the Internet all day.
16. It’s totally unfair that Mark Zuckerberg already invented Facebook. I could have thought of that. Then I’d be the unassuming billionaire.
17. [Accidentally spends the next 2 hours on Facebook]
18. [While still on Facebook] How did HE get a job before me, that guy rarely came to class and when he did he smelled like vomity marijuana.
19. I should start a blog. I could be one of those famous bloggers [Creates blog. Writes one long entry. Doesn’t write any more posts]
20. At least I’m not a parent yet.
21. Okay some of my relatives didn’t send me graduation money. Those cheap bastards better pony up, I need groceries.
22. If one more person asks me “what’s next?” I’m going to… be so annoyed while I act like nothing is wrong and politely babble on about how I’m “figuring it out” and “have a few interviews lined up.”
23. I know drug dealing is risky, but HOW risky?
24. Those kids who have parents who pay for them to backpack through Europe for a year are assholes. As far as I’m concerned, everyone who uses “backpack” as a verb can backpack their spoon-fed asses straight to Hell.
25. Okay, I figured it out: Marry rich.