22 Energy Saving Tips Your Power Company Doesn’t Want You To Know
By Patrick Ryan
For most of us living in warm-weather states, the summer months are when utility costs are the highest. Your air-conditioning is in a constant struggle to keep your house at a comfortable temperature and you still end up sweating throughout the night. Fortunately for you, I have compiled a list of some energy-saving tips that won’t have you sweating the arrival of your next electric bill. Your power company is going to hate me for this!
- Turn the a/c up to 84 degrees when you’re not home. Who cares if your roommates are still there?
- Make sure you turn off all lights when you don’t need them. Oh are you afraid of the dark, pussy?
- Build a time machine and go kill Thomas Edison. This is all his fault.
- Stay very very still. The more you move your body, the more energy you burn, and the hotter you will be. Stay completely motionless for as long as possible and watch your utility costs plummet!
- Dampen a rag with cool water and lay it across your forehead. It won’t do much but you’ll look pathetic so maybe someone will make you lunch.
- Unplug appliances that you don’t often use. Electricity runs to household items even when they’re not in use.
- Limit how often you open the fridge. Refrigerators operate on an internal thermostat, thus, every time you open it, it must work harder to maintain a certain temperature. Plus you could afford to skip a couple meals, you fat fuck.
- Run a long extension cord from your neighbor’s house and use it for some of your electronic shit, I don’t know.
- Murder your most energy-inefficient roommate. This can be tricky, but will yield huge savings during those blazing summer months.
- Have a daily “Amish Hour.” Cut all power to your house and make homemade jam in the dark. Sell the jam to cover some of your utility costs.
- If it’s yellow, let it mellow, if you take a shit for Christ’s sake flush the toilet. Life is too short to smell that all day. Have some self-respect.
- Pull off a heist.
- Shower with your roommates. Not only does this save water, it saves you from having a comfortable interaction with them ever again.
- Install solar panels. The hundreds you save on utilities each month will be sheer profit after you spent like $50,000 on those fucking solar panels.
- Check for leaks around doors and windows. The only spot that air should be escaping from your home is the window where the extension cord leading to your neighbor’s house is coming in.
- Smoke a ton of pot. This won’t do much for saving energy, but at least you won’t give a shit about your financial woes.
- Turn off your electricity and sleep outside in a tent. Use this time to think about where it all went wrong. It’s your fault you’re too poor to pay your bills. Maybe you shouldn’t have majored in Anthropology.
- Ask your parents for money.
- Get sent to prison. Everybody always complains about it being cold in there.
- Exercise your constitutional right to vote. Your elected officials aren’t going to do anything to improve your life, but it’ll get you outta the house for a while so you can turn the a/c off.
- Murder any remaining roommates who use electricity.
- Use candles instead of lights. This way, your house might burn down and you won’t have any more utility payments.