1. Do you want to be sober around your family? I didn’t think so.
2. You’re going to be around awful ugly screaming children. Do you know how to make that more tolerable? Marijuana.
3. Mass is boring unless you’re a part of some crazy cult that involves Zenu or live animal sacrifices. Easter mass is the longest Christian mass in the calendar and it is the same thing every DAMN year. How can you make this interesting again? Marijuana. It’ll make it like you’re at a live taping of The Big Bang Theory, only you’re actually going to laugh. A lot.
4. When you’re high, you can imagine your own twists to the readings. Jesus’ resurrection, we get it. Now, imagine Liam Neeson as Jesus. He was Taken! But he came back! Now that’s exciting.
5. Speaking of Jesus, this is a special day for him. Shouldn’t we celebrate with the stuff he made grow in the ground? What’s that called? Marijuana.
6. You have to fast before mass. So why not get really high and make that chicken casserole that your grandma made in the crockpot two days ago taste edible? It’ll go great with all the Sam’s Club ginger ale she’s had since your grandpa’s funeral 7 years ago. Thanks, marijuana.
7. You’ve been fasting? YOU GET FREE WAFERS DURING MASS! Score! Marijuana is awesome.
8. You’re going to see all of your parent’s friends and all of the people that you don’t talk to for a reason. There’s no avoiding this. You may as well be high so you aren’t a dick.
9. Don’t drink and smoke before. They serve wine during the service, you’re already covered on booze.
10. You know that awful old lady who sings all the hymns during mass that you couldn’t stop laughing at when you were a kid? She’s still there and if you’re high you’ll laugh even more than when you were 7 years old surrounded by all your friends. Plus, they pass joints around at concerts for a reason. Music is way better high, and church is no exception.