This Is Why I’m Retiring From Dating


I am officially retiring from dating. *Steps up to the microphone*. Today, I consider myself the luckiest man on the face of this earth. It’s with great pleasure and regret that I must leave this great game we call dating. We had a good run, didn’t we? There was that girl with the dead tooth and scoliosis hump that tricked me, or that really hot girl with the jungle cat tattoo on her left boob that molested me in a Denny’s parking lot. Looking back, maybe that one wasn’t so bad. A black panther tattoo, though? I mean, a sleek ocelot would’ve been alright. I digress. I’ve been on good dates that went awful, and awful dates that apparently went well. Also, I may or may not have gone on 3 or 4 dates with what turned out to be a Japanese business man. I miss you, Kayato. The point is, I’m through with it all, and am ready to become the crazy cat lady I was meant to be.

Women, you guys have absolutely no idea what you’re doing, and I’m on to you. You don’t want a sweet and funny guy, unless it’s for some twisted kind of stop-gap. I would respect you a lot more if you came out and said that you wanted a rich guy that’s hung like Lurch. There’s nothing wrong with wanting that. If you really wanted a sweet and funny guy, I wouldn’t have 13 ladies locked in my laundry room while I cry tirelessly into my chicken fried rice, while simultaneously mouthing the words to P.S. I Love You. Look, it’s my cross to bear.

I’ve decided I’m not going to even try to figure women out, and I’m definitely not going to actively pursue love. I’m perfectly content with drinking too much red wine and trying to guess Rick’s dollar offer on Pawn Stars. Maybe that’s the trick; try not trying. I know I’m awesome, and one day someone else will think so too. Now, there’s a Million Dollar Listing: New York marathon on, and these Nerds Ropes aren’t going to eat themselves. Until we meet again, dating… Thought Catalog Logo Mark

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