So, you want to survive the hurricane season, huh? Well, I do too. I’ve created a guide that is essentially fool proof. You may be asking yourself, what does this a-hole know about storms? The truth is, nothing. I have purchased every one of Dr. Neil Frank’s hurricane tracking charts since 1993. That pretty much makes me an expert. There are many things you need in order to live comfortably while Hell’s fury tears through your town like a demon serpent.
1.You’re going to need a lot of booze. I’m talking a lot of booze. If it could get my cousin Henry through his strange DJ phase, it can surely get you through some high velocity winds. Also, Henry’s still a DJ, so take that for what it’s worth. But, really; make it a drinking game. If someone gets swept away by tsunami-like water, then everybody DRINKS! Woohoo!
2. Weaponry. When there is no longer any order in your respective dump of a town, you will need lots of ammo, along with many improvised explosive devices. I would suggest befriending a guy like Jack Bauer or something. What about a terrorist? He could help you make lots of homemade bombs AND add a Middle Eastern kick to your stir fry.
3. Hookers. If you can’t round any up, then really cheap strippers will suffice. Death storm or not; we all have needs. Nothing relieves tension like paid-for sex. Trust me.
4. Lots of those cool lights that you can stick on the wall in closets, and press to turn on. Assuming you turned your flashlight into some form of a samurai sword like me, these lights will provide a sexy and elegant ambiance when no power remains. They can also double as ninja Frisbees. Resourceful is my middle name. Actually, it’s Patrick, but you know.
5. Seasons 1 and 2 of Grey’s Anatomy on DVD. That’s just a good fucking show, what else can I say? Get with the program (literally). This isn’t that difficult.
6. Food. I’m not talking about your typical canned goods, and stuff that’s easy to make. I want giant slabs of red meat, and as much sausage as humanly possible. I don’t care if I have to use grandmas hair curlers as coal; I will make delicious steaks, and I will eat them. Hell, I may start a taco truck.
7. N’SYNC’s Greatest Hits. What? What’s wrong with that? Look, if I’m going to perish, it’s going to be to beautiful white people harmony, and some dirty pop. Deal with it.
8. Paint. I just like to color shit.
9. Watch Home Alone as much as possible, and use every one of Kevin’s tricks if looters try to invade. The looters will most definitely not be as smart as the Sticky Bandits (formerly the Wet Bandits), so it should be simple to cover them with paint and feathers, and whatnot.
10. An alligator float, or maybe a flamingo. While others are forced to wade through the flood waters and subject themselves to dysentery and the likes; you will be floating comfortably, and looking fucking good, too!
I wish all of you the best of luck this Hurricane Season. Surviving is a choice, so make the right one. La paix, mes amis.