They came really unexpected, though we have long been praying for it to finally happen. I have been having problems which gave me tremendous amounts of fear that I won’t be able to conceive because of it.
But God finally heeded our prayer. He even gave us two!
But, life has a funny way of letting us face our deepest fears. At 11 weeks, we lost them both. And I can’t even begin to imagine the pain we went through.
This is for my husband, who has been nothing but my rock through this whole ordeal.
The moment we knew that we were pregnant, things changed drastically, for the best. He, who usually sleeps, knocks out, and snores not even close to 5 minutes once he lays down in bed, now stays up to fix my lunch the next day, reminds me to drink more water when he has the chance, and hurriedly gets up in the middle of the night when I need just about anything.
But something just doesn’t feel right.
I stay up at night, reading and worrying myself to death and all he does is hug me, snatch my phone away from me to get me to sleep instead. A lot of times I cry for the most senseless reasons but he does try to understand that those are just the “hormones” talking.
Sometimes, you just feel like something not good is about to happen. Then came that day.
The day that I dreaded the most. The day I prayed that would never happen. The day that I knew that I probably have lost them. My phone rang and I instantly knew it was my doctor.
“I am 99% sure that this pregnancy isn’t viable anymore.”
I try as much as I can to be calm and listen to her. But there is a big lump in my throat that is almost ready to explode at anytime. My head is spinning and I have fallen deaf. Then I hung up.
This is probably the third time in my life that I cried this much. I was alone and can’t reach him. My brother and sister picked me up to bring me to him. They were silent in the car and no one dared to ask me why I was crying, I guess they kind of knew it already. I fell weak into his arms when he held me, I almost passed out from crying. He kissed me on my forehead, and it was the most comforting touch that I could’ve ever needed at that time. I felt like he sucked up all the negative stuff I was carrying and took it as his own.
I always say that I have a rather high tolerance for pain. I also have been consciously trying to test if I can still stretch it out. Physical pain, that is. But my knees get weak and my eyes water, when it comes to emotional pain. Again, I shut myself down from the world for a good day. I never wanted to get out of bed nor wanted to see any sunlight peeking through our bedroom window.
I knew that my husband was hurting too but not once I had acknowledged it. It was always me, and my feelings that he put first. It was always me and my selfishness. A lot of times I suddenly just burst out crying but he just stayed there and held me. But it wasn’t only me that lost our children. He was a father too. But I felt that he understood what it meant for us this time. He understood that he needed to bring me closer to the Lord.
Sure I keep on telling everybody that I knew that the Lord has His reasons why it had to come to this. But I just had too many questions. My husband was visibly stronger because He was in the arms of the Lord all this time. He understood what it meant when the Lord said, “Not this time, my child”. And he understood that he needed to be stronger this time because I am weak and only have him to lean on to.
Now that we already have come to this, he still looks out for me. Dresses my wounds, and gets up in the middle of the night to help me get up. Does all of the chores even when I know, he’s too tired from working and standing the whole day. I know my husband will be a good father as he looks out for me and my needs first before his.
To my Jonathan, I thank you for all the things you do and I appreciate everything.
I am sorry that I sometimes felt like I was alone in dealing with this loss but you were always there and never left me. You were just silent, but now I realized that, that was what we both needed. And I thank you for seeing that. I never knew you were stronger than me until now, now that you had to give back your children to the Lord, without questions asked.