Reliving The Past Won’t Bring It Back But Sometimes It’s All You Have

 Vitaly
Vitaly

“Hey, I was doing just fine before I met you
I [care] too much and that’s an issue but I’m okay” (Chainsmokers, Closer)

I wasn’t supposed to meet you that night. I didn’t intend for you to come into my life. I was perfectly content beginning this chapter of my life on my own. I finished grad school, packed up my car, and moved across the country on my own. I was capable of being on my own.

I moved to a state where I knew two people at most, but I was okay with that. I was the only one from my family to leave the town I grew up in. That didn’t stop me for a second. I wanted adventure. I wanted change. I wanted independence. This experience was going to make me stronger…I would learn to fend for myself. I was 23 years old with no real commitments…this was the time to move across the country. This was the time to live for me.

“Hey, I was doing just fine before I met you
I [laugh] too much and that’s an issue but I’m okay” (Chainsmokers, Closer).

A few friends were with me that night we met…they drove into town to help me enjoy my first weekend here. We were having a girls night! We barely even made it out. It was a miracle we made it to that cute Italian place. We were ready to explore the town…just the three of us.

You saw me across the restaurant sipping wine and living in the moment. I didn’t have a care in the world. I was ready to meet people, ready to start a new journey, and ready to find myself.

You had me that night. We locked eyes and the rest was history. Most guys would’ve been intimidated by the three of us…but not you. You left your parents and accepted my friend’s invite to the bar across the street. You swept me off my feet. Our story began then and became the cutest romantic comedy you’ve ever seen. I was a southern belle new to the midwest just looking to start an adventure. I moved here knowing no one...but before I knew it, I felt like knowing you was all I needed.

“Hey, I was doing just fine before I met you
I [hope] too much and that’s an issue but I’m okay” (Chainsmokers, Closer)

You introduced me to your family. You invited me on a trip with all your friends. You drove me to all your favorite spots. My job wasn’t great and my family and friends were far away, but when I was with you, none of it mattered. We’d drive down those country roads on a Sunday. We’d take a trail through the country. We’d explore anything and everything.

I fell for it. I fell hard. Forgive me for listening to you. Forgive me for caring. Forgive me for thinking it was a two-way thing.

Everything was perfect. And that is the problem. How do I remotely move on from perfect? You were the man I never thought I’d have. I never felt this way about anyone. The best part was…I was more myself when I was with you than I have ever been. I was the HAPPIEST I’d been in years.

“Hey, I was doing just fine before I met you
I [gave] too much and that’s an issue but I’m okay” (Chainsmokers, Closer)

I had so much put in, and you stripped it away from me. No more spontaneous trips to a distillery. No more 3am nights living it up on the town. No more texts to look forward to after a hell day at work. No more waking up in your arms.

There is no moving on just yet. I can go on a date every weekend and still only think of you. No one remotely can live up to the perfection we had. I feel like I lost it all. Just when I thought I found everything…it was all gone in the blink of an eye.

So, for now, the best I can do is reminisce. I can play the soundtrack that reminds me of you. I can go to the places we went…just hoping to see you, hoping you’ll show up looking for me.

Maybe this is unrealistic. Maybe this is me not letting go. Maybe this is all I have.

The truth is…reminiscing is the best I can do for now. It keeps me going day-to-day. One day I will be able to live in the present. One day I will no longer need you from the past…and that day, my dear, is the day you will want me back. And I pray to God, I will not take you. I pray you will be the one living in the past.  TC mark

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