10 Tips For Kinda, Sorta Talking To, But Not Officially Dating Someone

New Girl: Season 1
New Girl: Season 1

If you haven’t been through this, chances are you’ll enter into this tortuously ambiguous scenario at some point in the near future. Here’s how it will go down. I would tell you to avoid the whole thing, that it isn’t worth it—but we both know you’re not going to listen. I didn’t listen when I was told. So, good luck, it can get pretty rough out there.

  1. Hook up. The circumstances of this rendezvous are far less important than the simple fact that it occurs. Maybe you meet for drinks and get a little sloppy, maybe he’s a friend of a friend at a party, it doesn’t really matter. Start kissing, and don’t stop. Let the moment erode your common sense and allow yourself to get swept away.
  2. Go home with them. Or let them come home with you (again, the specifics don’t really matter here). Have a good time. Have a great time. Make sure they have an equally good/great time. This will ensure that this is not a one-time occurrence. Don’t make them wait for it, but make them want it again.
  3. Be cool. Don’t be the crazy girl with feelings. Leave early enough in the morning for him to wish you could have stayed just a bit longer. Don’t text him until he texts you. And stay away from anything even a little bit “cutesy”. Put all of your efforts into seeming like you’re “casual”. Become so good at seeming casual that you actually manage to convince yourself that is what you want.
  4. Get a text from him and freak out. But privately, or to a trusted (read: non-mutual) friend. Agonize over how to respond. Realize this means you care beyond the constraints of “casual” immediately pretend to be casual again. Seem as laid back as possible in your texts, but be available at his every whim.
  5. See him. Whenever he wants you. He calls late at night? When you’re already in your pajamas? Watching Netflix? Get your ass up and go to him. You want him to think you’re the chill girl who’s down for anything as long as it doesn’t carry the banner of commitment. You wouldn’t want him to call someone else, would you?
  6. Tell your friend that you saw him at 2am, just because he called. Feel hurt and defensive when she reproaches you. Act like it’s fine, because after all, you’re casual. Two minutes later bring up how you wish he would text you when the sun was out for a change. Think to yourself that, someday, you will turn this into the relationship that you really want. You’re just biding your time.
  7. Say no, just once. Just enough to make him try a tad bit harder to get what he wants. Next time, say yes immediately. You don’t want to be TOO hard to get.
  8. Question whether or not you’re losing your mind. Struggle to focus on anything other than when he might possibly text you and whether or not he’s working or available later. Open a word document to write a paper, article, report. Turn on music. Close the word document. Stare at your phone. Stare at the wall. Repeat.
  9. Feel feelings for him. Let the crush take over. Get mad at him in your mind. Pretend your casual. Get mad some more. Then feel butterflies when he texts you.
  10. Repeat, repeat, repeat. He can’t read your mind and this arrangement is working out pretty well for him. If you can’t be honest with him, get out. This is going nowhere and you’re on the path to legitimately destroy yourself. Find your girlfriends, go out, drink, and dance. Ignore his texts and reclaim your sense of self. TC Mark

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