Making a bucket list is a dumb thing to do; people don’t actually make bucket lists, and if they do, it’s more of a mental catalogue to encourage forward thinking – or at least that’s what I used to think until I recently re-watched The Bucket List. You know…that overly sentimental yet inspirational movie with Morgan Freeman and Jack Nicholson. Yeah, that one. Maybe this isn’t a bad idea after all. The objective is to physically write a exhaustive list of shit you want to do, realistic or not, before you “kick the bucket.”
Many of us have listed stuff like, “Win the lottery”, or “Try shrooms”, or “Curse out you boss and quit on the spot (sorry, Rafael)”, and these are all things that we want to do, either for personal gain, to accomplish something, or because, well, fuck it, honestly. My actual bucket list – or as I like to call it, My Fuck-It List – has about (exactly) 46 items on it, with only 10 of which are already crossed off. It’s not as easy as it seems, and because of its difficulty, I came up with a similar, yet opposing idea.
So, my gears started turning: What about a list that is just the opposite? A list with everything that you don’t ever want to do: An anti-bucket list.
I think we need to start a new movement, people, so here is the recently started to of my original Fuck-No-Absolutely-Never List:
1. Eat fish, seafood, sushi, or anything that comes from the water.
The only time I can remember eating anything that falls under this category is when I was, like, maybe 8 years old. The culprit: Fish sticks. I guess I liked them a lot because I remember always having them in the freezer, but I don’t think I knew it was actually fish. Don’t judge me – again, I was 8. But 14 years later, if you even come near me with one of those devilish, breaded, smelly things, I will knock that shit right out of your hand, unapologetically. I don’t play games. Don’t even get me started with sushi.
2. Get drunk and hook up with a four, God willing.
I hook up with a lot of chicks, mostly low-key and mostly when I’m drunk. But I will never get so fucked up to the point that I will make out with a girl that’s not up to par with my standards. Sevens and up only. Drunk or not. Yeah, kind of mean. Yeah, kind of over it.
3. (Some) drugs.
These are the drugs that I will absolutely, 100%, no-doubt-in-my-mind not go near. Heroin, steroids, Oxycodone. I don’t even know what that shit does to you, nor would I like to find out. I mean of course we all smoke a little weed here and there, and maybe dabble a little bit in some other stuff, but there are some limits that can never be crossed.
4. Send a dick pic.
Actually…too late, scratch that.
5. Visit the Middle East.
No offense to anyone that lives, lived, or is from there. I just feel like there is always something outrageous going on in this part of the world. From as long ago as I can remember, there has always been war, political issues, social revolutions, etc. It’s just a scary place for me, and I’m not into all that war stuff anyway. Mother Dearest would not approve anyway. (Thanks, Mom).
6. Move to Europe.
Just look at all the bad that happens there on a daily basis. Yeah, it’s a good vacation spot, but it’s just too crazy a place for me to live and I love America too much. #PrayForParis
7. Keep toxic people in my life.
8. Let myself get fat.
Yeah, yeah, I have been slacking on going to the gym and eating whatever I want for the past few days. Or weeks. Okay, fine, since July-ish, but I’m allowed to do that. I’m young and still have a fast metabolism, my six-pack abs are still visible (not like they once used to be, but they’re there), and I have more important shit and more Sevens to do. …Kind of.
9. I will never let my kids watch Cartoon Network.
All the shows on it today are ridiculous, nonetheless mad trippy. What the fuck is Adventure Time, Regular Show, or The Amazing World of Gumball?! Watch one of these shows for no more than five minutes, and you will be speechless as to what they are teaching younger generations, if anything. When I was younger, Cartoon Network was poppin’ – keep in mind I’m a 90’s baby. Dexter’s Laboratory, Johnny Bravo, Rocko’s Modern Life, Pinky and the Brain, Scooby-Doo, Arthur; I could go on and on!
(Side note: Everything I know about picking up chicks comes from Johnny Bravo. Thank you, Mr. Bravo).
10. Shit in a public restroom.
If I have to, I’d rather wait. There’s no way I’m putting my ass on the germ-filled, piss-covered, brick-cold toilet seat. Not at my school, not at Target, not at Hunan Dynasty Chinese Restaurant, nowhere. Maybe my friend Jon’s house (sorry, Jon), but other than that, the only place I will shit is at home.
11. And on that note, I will never have a discussion about bathroom talk or any of that…shit (no pun intended).
Definitely not in front of females, and even if I were with my boys, I’d rather not talk about any of that. If the topic comes up, I’d probably leave the room. If ya gotta poop, poop. No need to let the whole world know. Just do it neatly and wash your hands thoroughly when you’re done.
12. Be afraid to die.
I’m fucking invincible.
13. Stop appreciating life.
Never will that happen. I love life, and I love my life. There is so much to explore, discover, imagine, experience. It’s the most amazing thing that this planet has to offer. I’m not going to rant on, here, but just be happy and enjoy the time while you can. You only live once, why not make the best of it!