50 Unintentionally Ridiculous (And Stupid) Quotes I’ve Read On Resumes

Flickr / Flazingo Photos
Flickr / Flazingo Photos

Reading cover letters, applications, and resumes and making decisions about interviews and employment can be rough and grueling. But, every once in awhile, employment managers come across a statement or phrase that is so ridiculous, it breaks the monotony, brings laughter, and just causes head-shaking in disbelief. Fortunately, over the years, these have been preserved and published on several sites for everyone to enjoy. From the annals of big bloopers, stupidity, lack of proofreading, and failed attempts to be humorous come these 50 quotes.

  1. Education: “Graduated top 66% of my class”
  2. Education: “Graduated 8th in my class of 10”
  3. Education: “My twin sister has a degree in accounting”
  4. Education: “High school was an awesome experience”
  5. Education: “I am planning to enroll in a business class because I feel it will really be detrimental to my future”
  6. Personal Achievements: “Successfully played “Chop Sticks” on a toy piano with my big toes.”
  7. Personal Achievements: “National record for eating 45 eggs in 2 minutes”
  8. Personal Achievements: “First runner-up for Miss Ft. Wayne, 1988”
  9. Personal Achievements: “Nominated for prom queen, 1996”
  10. Personal Achievements: “Awarded plague for salesperson of the year”
  11. Personal Achievements: “Donating blood – 14 gallons so far”
  12. Personal Achievements: “Had full responsibility for ruining a Midwest chain of stores.”
  13. Objective: Seeking challenges that test my mind and body, since the two are usually inseparable
  14. Objective: “Career on the Information Supper Highway.”
  15. Objective: “So one of the main things for me is, as the movie ‘Jerry McGuire’ puts it, ‘Show me the money!’”
  16. Objective: “I want to play a major role in watching a company advance.”
  17. Reason for Leaving: “Terminated after saying it would be a blessing to be fired.”
  18. Reason for Leaving: “Bounty hunting was made illegal in the state.”
  19. Reason for Leaving: “Got pushed out so my boss’s girlfriend could have my job.”
  20. Career Break: “Took time off in 1999 to renovate my horse”
  21. Career Break: “Any gaps in employment are when I was unemployed.”
  22. Skills: “Can function without extra oxygen at 24,000 feet” (job was for web design)
  23. Skills: “Stalking, shipping and receiving”
  24. Skills: “Great with the pubic.”
  25. Skills: “Cleaning restrooms and seating people”
  26. Skills: “I often use a laptop”
  27. Skills: “Able to say the ABC’s backwards in 5 seconds”
  28. Skills: “Answer phones, file, take odors”
  29. Skills: “Can type without looking at the keyboard.”
  30. Skills: “Thyping”
  31. Skills: “Getting rid of unruly customers and making great lattes”
  32. Skills: “I have extensive experience with foreign accents.”
  33. Skills: “I am a wedge and a sponge. I wedge myself into a doorway and absorb everything I can”
  34. Skills: “I am also a Notary Republic”
  35. Skills: “I have guts, drive, ambition and heart, which is probably more than a lot of the drones that you have working for you.”
  36. Skills: “I have a strong sense of ethics so I will not steal office supplies and take them home with me.”
  37. Skills: “I am loyal and know when to keep my big mouth shut”
  38. Skills: “My father is a computer programmer, so I have 15 years of computer experience.”
  39. Skills: Transformed “difficult” customers into “irate” customers. It’s best for employers if I don’t work with people.”
  40. Skills: “Have managed so far to avoid being abducted by aliens”
  41. Hobbies: “Enjoy cooking Chinese and Italians”
  42. Hobbies: “Foreign languages – English and Spinach”
  43. Hobbies: “Volunteer work taking care of elderly and vegetable people”
  44. Hobbies: “Trivia Games: I am a repository of worthless information”
  45. Salary Requirements: “Starting over due to recent bankruptcies. Need large bonus when starting job.”
  46. Salary Requirements: “The higher the better.”
  47. Salary Requirements: “I need lots of money because I have bills to pay and I would like to have a life, go out partying, please my young wife with gifts, and have a menu entrée consisting of more than soup.”
  48. Previous Employment: “Self-employed; received pay raise for high sales”
  49. Previous Employment: “Prison library”
  50. Previous Employment: “None. My wife has a good job”

Fortunately, because resumes and applications still form a key part in recruitment and employment, the supply of bloopers and disasters will continue to flow. When we need a good laugh, these are great to read. Thought Catalog Logo Mark

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