We are all well aware of the many bedroom errors that Man is guilty of committing in the sack, and I frequently like to use these to my advantage and post them all over the internet, for comic value. Thus, I thought it was about time I composed the ultimate list of sexual sins. Ladies, beware. Men, read religiously.
10. Thou Shalt Not Expect Miracles
Don’t ask me if I’ve come after only 5 minutes of mediocre humping. I’m barely even wet. If you want to satisfy your woman, you must be willing to put the work in. After all, Rome wasn’t built in a day.
9. Thou Shalt Not Procrastinate
When you’re having sex, your focus should be purely on this, and only this. Don’t text your dealer, don’t check the time, don’t spark up a fag and especially don’t reach for a snack. (Particularly not Tangy Cheese Doritos or anything that contains onion or garlic.) You’ve spent the entire day indoors, alone, playing Xbox. This is the most exciting part of your day and I’m on the verge of an orgasm. Don’t fucking stop for a breather.
8. Thou Shalt Not Plank
I get it, it’s tiring. But if you have such a lack of upper body strength that your arms fail you mid thrust, try a different position. There is nothing hot and sexy about reaching orgasm only to realise a little too late that you have suffocated your partner to death. To avoid this happening, try sit-ups, push-ups, pull-ups, anything to build those biceps!
7. Thou Shalt Not Name One’s Penis
Especially if it has a human name. ‘Rodger wants to play, baby’. Neither should you term it using the third person masculine pronoun, otherwise ‘he’ will not be going in my mouth, ever again. Come on guys, it’s your penis. It may be banterous when you’re with friends, but when we’re having sex, who the fuck invited Steve? Additionally, your love gun will never hit my target with its bullets, nor will your anaconda be entering any jungles.
6. Thou Shalt Not Rate
‘I’d say that reached at least an 8 on the Richter scale!’ might be acceptable if you’ve actually satisfied your woman, but if you caught her yawning mid-thrust, it might be a better idea to keep your mouth shut and quietly ponder potential improvements. Furthermore, regardless of how mundane the sex might have been, never let the words ‘alright’, ‘ok’ or ‘fairly satisfactory’ pass your lips, unless you’re happy to live the rest of your life minus your testicles.
5. Thou Shalt Not Forget To Mention One’s Erectile Dysfunction
And then act as though it’s a completely normal occurrence when it happens! Fair enough if you’ve popped a shitload of pills beforehand, or are aged over 50, but if you’re completely sober (and still in your youth) then there is no excuse for going floppy. If this does tend to happen to you, do warn the girl first, so she at least has the choice not to go through with it. Or the opportunity to pass a pharmacy on the way to your house to buy substantial quantities of Viagra.
4. Thou Shalt Not Act Like A Porn Star
There is an enormous difference between the world of pornography and the real world, but there appears to be a very thin line between the two for certain members of the male species (many of which I unfortunately seem to have encountered). Being thrown down and absolutely pounded is hot, but don’t do it dressed as a plumber, don’t go straight for the ass without a permission slip and never scream like the world is ending. That’s my job.
3. Thou Shalt Not Open The Ex-File
You know the type. You get two seconds of actual penetrative sex before the guilt sets in. Regardless of the fact that they split up with their ex over a year ago, they are still adamant to launch into a 3 hour long analysis of why everything went wrong the second after they’ve pulled out of you. And then are rude enough to ask for your opinion. How can it get any worse than this, I hear you ask? Two words: uncontrollable sobbing.
2. Thou Shalt Not Wound
A cheeky bit of hair-pulling is sexy; waking up in the morning completely bald is not. A gentle boob squeeze or, hell, even a good old grab is hot but don’t attempt to tear my tits off. How would you feel if I used your testicles as a means of stress relief? In addition, always bear in mind that nipples are tender. Do not treat them like a chew toy. You can be rough. When done correctly, rough can be a turn on, but no one should come out looking like they’ve had ten rounds with Mike Tyson.
And worst of all:
1. Thou Shalt Not Neglect the Clitoris
What the fuck do you think you’re going to achieve by stabbing the inside of my vagina in that manner? That moaning noise you can hear is by no means a sign of my pleasure; it is an indicator of both my physical and emotional pain. Have you ever even heard of the clitoris? For those of you who are guilty of this negligence, (or, to put it bluntly, undoubtedly bollocks in bed), it is located between the inner folds of the vulva, near the top. But don’t just rely on Wikipedia, their advice may confuse you: ‘While few animals urinate through the clitoris, the spotted hyena, which has a particularly well-developed clitoris, urinates, mates and gives birth via the organ’. Hunt it down, men. Oh, and while we’re at it, cut your fucking fingernails, Edward Scissorhands.
So there we have it. Cease your prayers, bin your bibles, ditch your church. Sunday shall no longer be the day of rest, but instead the day of hard, penetrative sex. Follow these Ten Commandments and you will be God… in the bedroom, anyway. After all, who doesn’t want to go to sexual heaven? Amen.