I am repeatedly asked why I don’t seem capable of letting go. Why I continue to hurt myself when I can simply choose the other way and make myself happy. I’ve spent countless hours trying to wrack my brain for the most logical reason. There were actually days when I thought I have the answers, but they normally go as easily as they come, leaving me more clueless than the first time. It sucked, really.
But today, I think I may have woken up more enlightened than usual. Or at least a little less crazy.
Definitely, I don’t think it is still love that’s holding me back. There were days when I account this to just ego bruised. Perhaps I only couldn’t accept that I am the one on the losing end. It’s easier to play the victim and wallow in self-pity. But if I am really honest with myself, I know that I just couldn’t let go of the fact that I hurt myself as much as the person did. I allowed things to be done to me, and I regret not even thinking of protecting myself and fighting back.
Moreover, I regret not having loved myself enough. I thought loving somebody else more is the way to go, and it backfired on me. I am guilty of having given my all, not sparing even just a little for my sanity. I know I could have avoided all the drama. I could have handled things differently. I could have not tolerated the disrespect, but I did. I thought I was already wise in love and it hurts to be proven wrong.
But I do not want to regret if I could help it. I want to be free of hate and be full of forgiveness. I do not want to be bitter. I want to be the bigger, better person. To eventually forgive myself for doing this to me.
I know there are still lessons to be learned to achieve the above. Secondary to forgiving me is accepting the fact that things didn’t work out because I also carried over mistakes from the past. It is irrelevant at this point how much I’ve been through or how I’ve already had the worst when I never learned from them. It is important to always be aware of the lessons, realize them, and take them to heart so the past wouldn’t mirror the future.
Eventually, I know everything else will follow. Like never settling for less again because I know I deserve the best. Making me the number one priority and ensuring that when the next person comes along, I wouldn’t err again by delegating myself to second. Simply put, I need to be more selfish next time.
You might think that’s cruel, but don’t heartaches sometimes leave people a little bit unfeeling? I still do believe in love, and I’m still your old hopeless romantic. I think’s it’s just fair to build a stronger wall for next time, to be more cautious, to be less trusting, unless the person has proven himself to be worthy.
It’s also essential to accept that the next person need not put me first on their priority list. To not need constant validation from others because I am aware of my worth. To not rely on others to be complete because I know I am even when I’m alone. More importantly, to not let others make me question my worth because that’s the worst thing you can ever do to yourself.
I know I still got a long way to go; sometimes I do question why the recovery is taking so long. But at the end of the day, I believe I am more blessed to have to go through the normal process of healing – to fully embrace the pain, to let the wound be cured by time. They make the end goal sweeter, the finish line more worth it. And it’s in this state of pain that you will appreciate what it feels like to be truly happy again. Nothing is more beautiful than overcoming the obstacles and getting to the end in triumph.
So yeah, I guess I also woke up today a little lighter on the chest and a bit more determined. Most definitely, I now have a clearer picture in my head of what I want and what I don’t need. There may still be bad days, but I know it only gets better after that. Every single day is a step towards the goal, and soon enough I’ll get there. I know I will.