I know you don’t hear it from me often, but deep down, I want so much to love you.
Its hard walking around with so much anger towards you. Its tiring to constantly edit what I say about you. Its hard wishing you would let me seem like the better person. That you would stop the emotional inferno you are always putting me in and, just once, let me breathe a little easier.
Its time to put the anger down.
Its hard when I lay down every night replaying conversations we’ve had. Its even harder when I pick apart the meanings and layers and think, How could I know you so well and still not know how to make you happy? How could I never be fully sure of what to do next? I mean…I’m never sure, with you.
Its always felt wrong.. I’ve always looked at you wishing I would see someone else’s features. I’ve always analyzed your actions, your thoughts and words. And I’ve always thought, wow, it would be easier to get along if you didn’t leave me constantly wishing for more. That potential everyone says you have…Who knows if it should be used? You should just keep holding it. But you say its starting to feel heavy.
Maybe its my fault for not thinking you were enough…and treating you that way. Maybe its my fault for introducing you to crash diets. To overeating. To total frugality. To overspending. To a series of extremes that I always thought was your fault because, fuck, don’t most people live in the middle? Maybe that’s why you sometimes retaliate with insomnia. With racing thoughts. With a pulsing heartbeat. With an empty bank account. With an expanding waistline.
The older I get, the younger you seem and the more irrational this gets. The mistakes you made at 14, 15. Do they matter so much? 19, 22. Maybe those mistakes were worth it? How long am I supposed to really keep this shit over your head? I’m sorry for that. I’m sorry for letting you think those tiny mess-ups were everything. If you’re willing, I think its time to start over.
I think its time we come to peace with a few things. Maybe I’ll let up on the analyzing. Maybe I’ll stop assuming that you’re not the best authority here. Maybe if we try to work it out together, we’ll stop waking up at 3 a.m fighting again. Maybe we can let other people see that potential we’ve been fighting over.
Maybe we can sleep through the night again.