This Is How I Feel Today

image - Flickr / Ronny-André Bendiksen
image – Flickr / Ronny-André Bendiksen

“My grandma is not doing so well.”

“I must start figuring out what I want to do in the future.”

“Am I really into him?”

“I have to bring up my GPA.”

My mind just won’t shut up. I feel like I’m an emotional multi-tasker. Right now, I’m feeling all fifty shades of worried; let me explain:

  1. I feel helplessly worried because my grandma’s ill and there’s nothing I can really do.
  2. I feel anxiously worried about figuring out what career I want to pursue because I feel like time is running out.
  3. I feel nervously worried about falling for this guy who is a really good friend because I know he doesn’t want anything serious.
  4. I feel stressfully worried about my grades because I ended up not doing so great and now I feel more pressure from myself to do even better.

Well, not quite fifty. It feels as though all aspects of my life continuously influence one another. My feelings on one thing influence my feelings on other things. Since my grandma isn’t doing so well, I can’t help but think that life is going to pass by in the blink of an eye. This thought makes me try harder with the guy I like because I would hate to regret not taking a chance. Therefore, I end up spending more time on him knowing that he isn’t looking for something serious, which results in me feeling really bad for trying. Then, this somehow influences me while I’m trying to research about reasonable career options, and this influences something else and the process continues. I can never seem to deal with just one thing at a time. I have an inability to compartmentalize.

I used to think of my mind as this organized mess. Key word: organized. But over the last few months, I’ve realized how truly unruly my mind is and how insanely unmanageable this mess is becoming. Let me just admit it, I’m not the cleanest person, far from it according to some of my friends, but I’ve always had a pretty good idea about where everything was. For some reason, I have always applied this model to my mind. I have always been good at knowing what problems, fears, insecurities, etc. I have. I’ve recently come to realize that it’s not always enough to know where everything is or how everything is in terms of feelings, emotions, etc.; but rather, it’s about knowing when to deal with each individually. So, I don’t really know where to begin or how to go about becoming a compartmentalized being, but maybe the first step is to start sorting through my cluttered mind. I feel like I’m finally at this place in my life where I want to go through and begin to truly understand myself, so cheers to taking small steps in the right direction. Thought Catalog Logo Mark

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