I have big dreams. I have a vision for my life and it’s beautiful. It’s filled with so much love, so much adventure, prosperity, and freedom. I know what my purpose is, and for that, I am so lucky. I know the steps to take to walk towards my dream life. I’ve taken them, and I’ll keep walking that path every day. There’s only one thing I’m giving up.
There is a gap between the steps I know to take and the fulfillment of my dreams. There are things out of my control. I can take the leap, but I can’t secure the landing pad. I’ve always been a person who believes that everything is going to work out. Even in the face of the messiest, most awful situations, I have always had faith that it will work out.
The difference between new me and old me is a big one: I used to make sure that I had the most control possible over the situation. I knew it was going to work out, but if I’m being honest, I didn’t need much faith because I was the one pulling the strings. There are some strings you can pull and some you cannot.
In the last year, I have stepped out of the superficial world I was living in of checking the boxes just to say I checked them and doing things just so that people would think highly of me. I took a lot of time to search for my soul, and I’m happy to report that I found it. Now I do what I want to do and I am exactly the person I want to be.
I found, though, that once you crack yourself open to the vast world that exists when you live in alignment, you lose a lot of the strings. I’ve been looking for them. I’ve been really frustrated, telling myself, lamenting to whatever this higher power is, that I want so much. I want to live life to the absolute fullest, I want to leave this place better than I found it, I want to see all these dreams come to light, but I can’t figure out how to get there.
I’ve been killing myself looking for the answers to how on Earth I’m going to get the job, the love, the impact, the adventure, the money, and I finally got an answer: Stop looking for the answers.
At first, it was. Then I realized something: This is real faith. I have absolutely no idea how everything is going to work out, but I know it is. I know that as long as I keep walking the path, taking leaps when the road comes to an end, the landing pad will be there, or there will be a giant trampoline to bounce me where I need to go, or maybe a flying carpet will scoop me up and we take off to a new destination…I don’t know.
But I’m done looking for answers. I’m done being frustrated. I’m done picking tarot cards, I’m done checking the stars, I’m done racking my brain for a list of possible outcomes and how I could achieve them.
This is not giving up. This is not me sitting back, watching Netflix, waiting for something to happen. This is me taking one step at a time and enjoying it. This is me getting comfortable with being uncomfortable. This is me learning to trust. This is me embracing the beauty of the journey, the in-between, the valley.
Lately, I’ve been saying things like “This lull is a really uncomfortable part of the journey, but I’m going to make it through!” I thought that was a pretty good attitude. Now I see that it wasn’t enough. Why was I waiting to get comfortable? I know that everything I dream of is coming, but I don’t know when and I don’t know how.
What I do know is that I’m not about to wait until that happens to enjoy myself. Right now, I don’t have the money or the love or the impact or the adventure that I want, but I’ve always been good at making even the most dull party fun, and that is exactly what I intend to do.
I don’t have the answers. But for the first time, I don’t need them.