Do I get tired? Yes. Do I get lonely? Yup. Am I going to slow down? Absolutely fucking not.
Today, I got frustrated. I felt like I needed to go somewhere, anywhere but here. I wanted to book a flight or pack my car and just drive. This isn’t the first time this has happened. Actually, it happens a lot.
I’m a runner, always running. When I’m not running, I’m thinking about running. Not like the exercise—I’m more of a dance for exercise girl. No, I’m talking about running away. Running to something shiny. Running to a new beginning.
Lately, I’ve been practicing presence. I’ve learned how to find joy in the now. I meditate. I do more yoga. I sit in silence. I journal often. Honestly, I’m a better person. I’m so happy. Even on bad days, my disposition and my baseline is content. I want everyone to practice presence, to learn how to find joy exactly where you are right now, even if it sucks. Actually, I implore you to.
I realized something, though. I don’t want to lose the fire under me. I don’t want to lose the foot that always seems to be hanging out the door, ready to run. I don’t want to lose the part of me that craves more. I love my life; I am so grateful for each moment, even the sucky ones. I think sometimes we fall into the trap of thinking that wanting more means we’re not happy with what we have. I don’t believe that.
The Universe is abundant. There is always more. Put me by a fire on a cold, rainy day with some music, movies, wine, and popcorn and you’d be hard-pressed to get me off the couch. But I can promise you that at some point, I looked outside and thought about the rain, and the rain made me think of the Amazon, and that made me think of a retreat I’ve always wanted to go on. And for a moment in my head, I was there. And guess what? I don’t want to lose that part of me. And I don’t think you should either.
I think you have to learn how to be happy where you are. I think you have to learn how to practice gratitude, not because it’s a requirement or a rule, but simply because I’ve never heard of it not making your life so much better.
But if you’re a runner—if you dream of the places you’ll go and the things you’ll do when you get there, if your mind is always on the next idea and the next great thing—don’t stop.
Today, after a few hours of not feeling so great, I realized that even though wanting to be somewhere I’m not is not a good feeling, and even though I know there are spiritual teachers who I swear by who would tell me to find joy right where I am, I realized that I don’t want to stop dreaming. Even in my loneliest and most hopeless moments like today, where I don’t know where I want to be or how I’m going to get there, I just know I don’t want to be here. I know that that is me.
It is because I am a runner that I have always wound up in the most magical places. I’m not in a magical place right now, but I’m not going to stop running, because I know that with my head in the clouds and one foot out the door, always ready to run, there is no way I won’t get there again.