I’ve wanted to write you this letter for as long as I can remember. Up until now I’ve always been too afraid of the answers. So, this is me, taking a risk and being brave. I need to know what happened. I need to understand. Why was I a part of your life until age six, and then suddenly not? Why didn’t my siblings know about me? Or that I even existed? I’ve had sixteen long years with these questions lingering over my head. I’ve thought up some of the worst explanations, but I just want the truth.
Obviously, I’ve tried to bring it up to my mother; several, several times. She always says the same thing, “You’d go to your father’s house every other weekend, they loved having you. As they had more children of their own, you went over there less often. It started off as one weekend a month, then just an afternoon. There was always an excuse, they claimed they just couldn’t afford you”. I find this version of the story vague and unlikely considering the birth of Jenna two years later.
So please, I’m just asking for the truth; I’ll be 23 in just a few months. What ever happened, it cannot be undone. I’d really just like to be able to address this now and try to move forward. Frankly, I can’t handle pretending like everything is ok when I visit, when it’s not. It’s confusing, uncomfortable, and awkward for everyone. Unfortunately with my reentry into your lives, it has affected Ryne, Sever, Brett, and Jenna both negatively and positively.
If you are unwilling to provide me the answers I’m searching for, then I’m willing to remain absent from your lives. If that’s what is easier, or best, I’m not afraid to hear it. If you want to actually know each other and try and change this, I’m also not afraid to hear that. Please write back.
Thank you for the letter. Please excuse my handwriting. I will try my best. I have always prided myself on having a great memory of events, so this will be the truth as I know it. Will try and answer to the best of my knowledge. I am sure my version is going to be different than your mothers.
I should start from the beginning. I first met you around 1 years old. Had to wait for DNA results to get back after court date that I was given. I don’t know if you knew but, I was not the only person that was tested for DNA match. That is why it took so long, plus there was some screw up with your blood test. So they had to retest you and then a big waiting game. You were about 6 months old at the time of the court date. I didn’t get the results that you were my daughter until December.
At this time I had been dating Jodell for about 6 months and we were actually living together. She encouraged me to meet and see you AFTER which I did. Fast forward to visitation rights granted later on.
I believe your mom having Riley and having a relationship with his dad might have complicated weekends when you were supposed to visit. We tried to switch on occasions and this worked out, then later on it did not about the time you were 8. Things would get tense and conversations with your mom about switching weekends were not good. It was never convenient for her she would say. This went on for a while like this. There was a big trust factor and still is with your mom. A lot of explanations did not add up. I am not here to play the blame game just writing as I remember.
Moving on. Things reached a boiling point one weekend, we were supposed to have you over the weekend, it was our anniversary so we wanted to switch weekends, but your mom said it was not convenient, my response was well let me know the next time it is. Thus began the road to no further contact. Yes we moved on because I still had a family here to attend to. I felt maybe it was best then that there was no bouncing back and forth with all the turmoil. I felt secure in knowing that your mom was raising you and you were in good hands. Although you did move quite a bit your first six years. We thought it would be nice if you lived with us full time, but a lawyer said that would be highly unlikely.
Maybe there was stubbornness on both our parts. I really don’t know. So contact no longer existed until Grandpa Sadler passed away.
No, we didn’t hide your existence and no it wasn’t about money, that’s all BS.
Yes, it is awkward when you visit for me I don’t know whether to hug or hide. If you hate what I did and don’t care for me as your dad. I know being a biological father is not being a real dad and I apologize for that. I am sure it is confusing for these guys, especially Jenna. I know she is uncomfortable being around you, that is understandable. She is totally different than the boys.
You are right we cannot undo what has been done as is with everything in life. We can only move forward and hope for the best. As we have said before you are always welcome in our home and our lives.
I don’t know if these are satisfactory answers for you. I hope they somewhat are.
Everyone asks how you’re doing? Doing well I hope. There is more to all I am sure, will have to wait for more time to write and my thoughts are clear.