The Difference Between Loving Someone And Fixing Them

Jason Blackeye

A girl with red cheeks, dressed in a red sweater, lying on the fresh-cut green grass, sleeping or crying, nobody will ever know, she should be walking on yellow coloured marble floors, that looks like someone gliding on glitters and dead stars, walking like she knows where she is going, knows who she’s going to meet around the bend, know how she’s going to end, knows how she’s going to begin again, but she’s not going anywhere,

she’s so tired, if you ask her what matters, she’ll say nothing nothing nothing, and it’ll be the truth, she can’t lie anymore, she’s too tired, she’s red-faced and out of breath, wearing the red sweater that makes it look like her heart finally broke and bled out of her chest, maybe it has, nobody will ever know,

she quietly gives up on things and people, they keep wondering when she’ll come back, never never never, she keeps people waiting but never waits for anyone, she should be running away, she should be laughing, but ask her why she doesn’t, and she doesn’t have any answers for anyone,

“what happened to your eyes? They used to shine so bright…”, “people had high hopes for you, they still live with the hope you gave them, how can you give up so easily?” You can ask her all you want, but she’ll look at you like she doesn’t understand your language, she looks at everything like she’s seeing it for the first time, except the sky, the sky knows her, she knows the sky,

she lies facedown on the freshly-cut green grass, no more looking at the sky, no more hiding, no more facing the truth, no more questions, no more answers, everyone knows her except herself,

how is it possible? they ask,

‘Everything is possible if you believe in it,’ she says,

‘believe in yourself then,’ they say,

but she doesn’t even know who she is anymore,

‘how can you not know yourself?’ they ask,

she says, ‘just like you don’t know most of the things in the universe, I exist, I exist, but I have no idea where to begin, how do I start to understand where I begin? All ends meet, all beginnings end, round and ’round I go, circles within circles, dizzy and spinning, the sky keeps on spinning in circles, from blue to orange to black, spinning, spinning,’
she falls down on the ground, red-faced, the grass is soft on her face,

that’s where you found her, holding onto the earth like she’ll fall into space if she lets go. How can you understand something you haven’t been through yourself? How can you love someone when all you want is to fix them?

Don’t fix me, she says, love me. TC mark

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