It’s a funny word – “anymore.”
I won’t love “anymore”.
I won’t trust “anymore”.
I won’t fight “anymore”.
I won’t cry “anymore”.
I won’t try “anymore”.
I won’t lie “anymore”.
I won’t be strong “anymore”.
I won’t smile “anymore”.
You must have said these sentences so many times throughout your life. It’s such a definitive word. It is so final, but it hardly means finality, because you do those things again, don’t you? The things you promised you wouldn’t do ‘anymore’. The things you promised you wouldn’t be ‘anymore.’
You LOVE again, maybe not in the same way but a different love; maybe a better one? The hand you brush while walking through the park might be different than the one you thought you would be holding right now, but maybe this is the one you deserved. The arms around you right now maybe aren’t the same ones you thought you’d be enveloped in when you grew old, but these are the ones who chose you. These are the ones that made you break the promise you made to yourself of never loving again. Don’t you dare let go of these hands that moved towards you, to pick you up when you were down on the floor crying your heart out.
You TRUST again, maybe not whole-heartedly but you decide to try again, simply because, some people are just SO amazing, so worthy of trust, that you just can’t help it. How wonderful that is, isn’t it? That sensation somewhere in the back of your mind, that feeling you get after such a long while, that you can rely on someone without overthinking it. How beautiful is the ability to trust someone after deciding that you won’t EVER do that. More than that, trusting after you had realized with a sinking realization that it’s not that you WON’T, but that you CAN’T, even when you want to. But then, you meet THIS person or people, that show you that the light inside you that you thought was diminished irrevocably, is still shimmering and they help you light it even more; the ones that wait in the wings and cheer for you, the ones that stand back and let you fall back on them, the ones that shelter you from the rain with their palms above your head. They don’t simply enable you to trust others but yourself as well. And somehow that is everything.
You FIGHT again, maybe not with the same people, maybe not for the same damn boring, repetitive and unsolvable problem, maybe for yourself. You lie on the floor and take all the hits for a while, but then you do look up, you start standing up, on your knees, and then on your feet. You fight for what’s yours, for what you want, for what you WORKED for, for what you deserve, what you NEED. You get up and you fight. You push back, you’re pushed back, but you keep on pushing, and pushing your way out of the maze, out of the endless crowded hallways. You push past all the screams, all the shouts, all the complaints. And you make it through. You make it out alive. You’re bruised, you’re scarred, BUT you’re so strong. You’re so beautiful. You’re infinite.
You CRY again, maybe not for the same reasons, people or places anymore; maybe you cry because you’re human, because you’re too happy, too surprised. Maybe you cry because you’re too loved and you don’t know how to express it. Who said we only cry when horrible shit happens to us? We cry because what we’re feeling right now is inexpressible, the words of this realm are insufficient to describe what we are feeling, like the grief that is too much for words, the love that too much for words, the surprise that is too much for words. The happiness…you see? Crying is not always about sadness.
You TRY again, because maybe it takes time to stand up again; you try for the second time for the things that never worked out the first time. Some things are too precious to give up on just after one try. You’re allowed to give it one more try, maybe you decide to not give it another shot, maybe you decide to do something different, something dangerous, something reckless, something that makes you feel alive. But, you DO try. There is an undeniable wanderlust and curiosity in every one of us; an undeniable thirst. We are meant to fail but you know what the most beautiful thing about us is? We try again. We’re not satisfied with losing. We grunt, we swear, we cry. But we don’t want to lose. So, we try again. Sooner or later, we succeed. If not, we keep trying. It’s the bravest we can be. It’s what separates us from others; our choices to try again or to give up.
You LIE again, maybe not to others because you know how much it hurts to be lied to when you’ve been completely honest with somebody. You lie to yourself from time to time, don’t you? Probably like—“I’m okay.” Or “I’m fine now.” Or “I’m over it.” Or “Of course, it doesn’t bother me.” Or “I’m happy that you’re happy with him/her.” “I’m used to this anyway.” Some lies that you tell yourself to keep yourself standing, it’s okay to do that. I do that too. So does everybody. But never deceive people for your own selfish purposes, okay? You never get back from that. The glass shatters and the relationship you had with them will fall through it, into an abyss; irretrievable.
You become STRONG again, maybe not in some ways but more in others. You might break a little on the inside after seeing somebody that you used to know so well, but you’re strong enough that you smile at them anyway. Sometimes, you feel the anxiety clawing away at your insides, and you can’t even find words to tell somebody how much pain you are in without choking on your words, but you’re strong enough to try. You take the steps forward, you hold the railing of the stairs and you start walking, you start moving. You become the support you need. Strength is not in doing things that you can do, but in trying to do things that you can’t.
Hey, you SMILE again too; just like you used to. You’ll smile again. You want to know how I know that? Because, every time a person adds ‘anymore’, it’s a promise they’re bound to break. Because there is too much of the world we’ve lived in for millions of years that we haven’t seen; even now. When you catch yourself thinking that you won’t smile or laugh anymore, stop right there and ask yourself this: “Is THIS worth losing my laugh over? Is THIS worth my smile?” So what if smiles are said to cost nothing, they are the most precious things we own. Don’t lose your smile over worthless things or people or situations. Best things are free in life, doesn’t mean their value has to be underestimated.
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