My Future: Questions Upon Questions Upon Questions

Feel the sadness inside
pour around me like a shower
My dark cloud followed me on the way out
of the foreign familiar room
My emotions are dialed to different tones
My tears crash against my eyes
breaking likes waves, held on by sheer will,
Have you felt so numb, so senseless,
you could walk on fiery coals and feel nothing?
I walk and talk like I used to, but I’m ruining myself,
Why do I keep getting the same obstacles in my life?
What is it that I haven’t learnt?
No matter how many times I pick myself up and start again,
square one has become my home,
that I end up at after a tiresome day.
I pushed all my friends away,
they left me alone,
But I feel more lonely than before.
I wish I could take this part of me away,
I wish I didn’t need to feel pain to feel like myself,
but I do.
I just have questions upon questions inside me,
Just question marks scratched on every vein,
on every decision I’ve made in the past,
on every important thing I’m pushing to tomorrow,
on every plan or future I don’t know if I want.

What if I keep going in circles like this for my whole life?
What if I never get out of this labyrinth of suffering?
What if I just live the life I want when my eyes are closed?
What if I keep pushing people away because nobody stays?
How will I ever know who I’m supposed to be?
Right now all I feel is the despair,
and the words on my fingertips.

Art by Pascal Janssen.