See, it’s kind of messed up, and mentally manipulative, the stages in which you miss someone.
When it initially ends, you usually remember the big moments you shared together.
You know, like prom, or Christmas mornings spent at his parent’s house drinking Mimosa’s. You wind up looking at old photographs, and reminiscing about all the time spent together. You probably remember all the times he bought you flowers, or took you out for dinner.
And remembering all of those beautiful times, the times you swore there was no one else in the world who could ever replace the love you felt for that one person, hurts. It hurts like hell to even think about hearing their voice, whispering they love you in your ear, and the phone calls that became so routine, you couldn’t imagine a time when they would just stop coming.
But I don’t think that form of missing someone, is the kind that does the real damage.
The most gut wrenching, fall to the floor, can’t eat, can’t sleep, kind of missing someone, takes form in a much different way – in the small things, the things you tried to forget even happened.
Your next step of missing him, is in the little things.
Like how he called you when he was up sick and just wanted to hear the sound of your voice, even if was four a.m. on a school night. You answered anyways. Or the time he picked you up and spun you around the basement to a cheesy slow song. The way he danced with you, while your parents fought upstairs, in a desperate attempt to have you escape reality for a while, and just be present with him.
Then there’s all those times you would lay in bed after making love. Sometimes you talked, sometimes you didn’t – but you were always held. There was no questioning the way one another felt in the firm arms that wrapped around your warm bodies, and drifted off to sleep together.
All those times he came over late after work with food from the restaurant he worked at, when you were asleep on the mattress downstairs and he would sneak in and wake you up with a kiss on the cheek. You’d pig out to the curry and cake he brought over, and watch stupid movies that were probably only funny because you of your lack of sobriety.
You remember the ways he kissed you, head to toe, and took his time on every inch of you. The way no one has ever looked at your body since.
The way he meant it when he told you he loved you that first time, even though you waited a few days to say it back.
He was so eager back then, to love you, and adore you, and spend every spare second he had with you.
It’s terrifying though, the way those memories, the beautiful ones, seem to push out all the other catastrophic moments of your time together.
They white out, and cover completely, what was really going on in between all of those seemingly perfect and fond memories.
You know what I’m saying, the things you chose to ignore, because it was easier losing the argument, than it was to lose him.
Like how after many of those times you had sex, you started having to ask him to get off his phone, and talk to you, or even look at you, because he was so consumed in whatever article he was reading, game he was playing, or person he was texting.
Remember how you started checking his phone so often whenever he would leave the room for a minute because he started talking to his ex girlfriend again? How he would always talk about the girls he worked with, merely to get a reaction out of your terribly jealous heart.
Remember when you would stay up all night writing his essays because he was tied down with other school work, and you wanted him to do well because you knew how important his grades were to him.
Remember how you had to ask to be thanked?
You even made him lunches when you knew he was running late for school, remember how he rarely thanked you for that either?
Remember all those arguments you got into over gas money? How it was such an obligation to get a ride home, that he started asking for money? Remember how you gave him money? Yeah. Remember how he left you before March break, and hung out with his ex girlfriend behind your back, and you had to hear about it through his friend?
Remember how he couldn’t look you in the eyes after that when you saw him at a St. Patrick’s Day party, but you begged him too. He held your hand and kissed you. But something was very wrong. I guess you didn’t really think there was more to the story back then, but maybe now you do.
Remember how if he had a bad day at work, or at home, (which was often) he took it out on you? He either wouldn’t text or call, or would accuse you of not knowing how to talk to him, when you were truly trying your best.
Remember how when you did something stupid, he would call you out on it? Remember when he called you crazy, so often, you actually believed you were? You switched birth control, tried changing your diet, found yourself intoxicated more often than you’re proud of, and skipped a lot of school, trying to figure out what the hell it was that could help fix your ‘crazy’ behavior.
Remember how you always took blame? How he would do something so evidently wrong to you, and everyone else, and somehow, you would still be the one to end up apologizing because that’s the only way the argument would ever be resolved?
There were so many times you had to beg him to say he loved you.
Beg him to come over.
Beg him to stay.
When did he stop loving you, I’m not really sure, but it happened slowly.
He was manipulative, and dishonest, and liked having you around to make himself feel better when no one else did. And I guess when you look back on that, it’s pretty messed up. And it’s pretty sad you believed him, when months later he came back telling you he loved you, and wanted you, needed you, and that he never stopped.
You believed he was really going to stay this time, and your feelings may actually be taken into consideration.
But you were naïve to the kind of love he was capable of.
Because really, he didn’t want love, he wanted attention.
He wanted girls to comment on his photos, and have multiple one night stands, and to be drooled over, and looked up to. He didn’t want an equal love with someone else, because he always wanted to have the upper hand.
And I think it’s time you realize that he’s never going to change.
He’s always going to be the kind of boy who wants to be better. He will always want the approval of more people than just you. He won’t ever be fulfilled with one person telling him he’s great, when he could hear it from many.
It doesn’t make him a bad person.
It just doesn’t make him the right person for you.
Maybe one day he will settle, and the girl might be very similar to you, or a complete polar opposite. But regardless, she will have agreed to be the submissive one. A position you were never comfortable taking in a relationship.
You know your worth, and your capabilities much better than he did, and that’s why praising him, and allowing yourself to settle in the shadows wouldn’t have been the life you thought you wanted.
So it’s a good thing he gave you all those amazing memories, the big moments, and the tiny, seemingly insignificant ones that made your relationship worth remembering. But you’re also incredibly lucky that there are so many awful things, roller-coaster rides of ups and downs, on and offs, that you had to deal with, for far too long.
You understand that as wonderful as it may have been, the compromises, and changes, and self sacrifices, were not sustainable in the slightest.
Love is not always enough, and when it comes down to missing someone, I believe that’s the most important thing to remind yourself of.
You can miss someone with every piece of your bruised and battered heart, but it doesn’t mean that the relationship wasn’t supposed to reach its inevitable end.
So remember the good things. Remember the I love you’s, and the dreams you shared. The morning kisses wearing nothing but his t-shirt, and all the secrets you whispered in the silent hours of the night.
But also remember the parts of your time spent together that was pushed aside in your memory. Remember why it ended, why you cried more when you were together than after you broke up. Remember how even though he never meant to hurt you, he did.
Remember that he is not a bad person, and neither are you. That sometimes two people just aren’t right for one another, and love isn’t enough for the relationship to survive on forever.
So miss him, but miss it all, the way it should be missed, and remembered – from it’s beautiful start, to it’s bitter end.
Let it settle inside of you, and then move on, walk away, and allow it to be nothing more than a lesson, and a small piece of your story, which has all but just begun.