All The Things I Could Never Say

It’s been 11 days since I lost you, although it feels like an entire lifetime has passed. I have gone through more emotions, memories, and feelings in two weeks then I think the average person does in a life time.

During the first few days, I had no moments of happiness. If I did, it was just pretend – a fake smile, a polite laugh, just so nobody would ask me what was wrong.

Now, on day 11, as each day passes I get moments of peace. I get moments of pure, genuine happiness – I no longer need to fake being happy. I am thankful for that.

I still think of you a lot. The more I think of you, the more I think of you. Does that make sense? Like if I allow myself even just one thought, then a million others flow afterwards, like a dam overflown with water.

Sometimes they are bad thoughts, like how shitty you treated me towards the end. But I mainly just wonder what you’re doing at that very moment. I wonder how you are. I wonder if you think about me, too. Or maybe you are already thinking about someone else.

I have stopped crying, though. I have cried so many tears over you in the past year I could probably fill a small swimming pool.

Now I just carry around a hole. It sits in the pit of my stomach. At the start it was constantly tugging. It was gaping wide and nothing and nobody could fill it.

It’s not so bad now. It gets smaller every few days. Sometimes it hurts and aches for a few hours. Sometimes it doesn’t hurt or ache for a whole day.

I really did love you, you know. From the bottom of your toes to the tips of the hair on your head and everything in between. Every great quality and every horrible quality, too. I loved you when you were happy but especially when you were angry. I loved you when you looked amazing, but especially when you looked terrible. In fact, call me crazy, but I loved you more when I saw your flaws. You were human, and imperfect, but you were mine.

By the end of our relationship, I found it difficult to distinguish myself from you. I had become so invested, so in love, so blinded by you that I had lost myself in you.

I was far from perfect, that much I know. My heart was not light and easy to carry. It was heavy and scarred. At times I’m sure I was hard – almost impossible – to love. My walls were built higher then you could climb. I shut you out. I held things in. There were many times I took you for granted. I thought you would always be there – I was wrong. I said and did many things I shouldn’t have. I’m sorry for that.

Some people come into our lives and are not meant to stay.

I know you are one of those people. And that’s okay.

I love you still, and that’s okay.

I miss you, and that’s okay.

Right now, I’m still not okay, and that’s okay.

Now, I need to focus on me. I need to find myself again; to work out who I am and what life means now that you are not by my side. Who I am if I am not yours, and you are not mine.

It is time to grow and learn; to experience life without you. It’s daunting and scary and exciting all rolled into one. I’m going to travel and grow and explore the world.

Most importantly – I’m going to love myself when I least deserve it, because thats when I need it the most. I am going to be the only happiness I need. I am going to be the only person I need.

Because I am all I need. I am beautiful, and strong, and capable of more then I could imagine. I don’t need to see myself through a mans eyes to know my worth.

My heart no longer belongs to you, and I am no longer entwined with you. Each day, I grow further away from you, and closer to myself. I wish you all the best and don’t regret you for a second. There will be moments that I miss you, but they will get fewer and far between.

Now it’s time for me to take the lessons you taught me, and move on. Better, wiser, stronger then ever before.