This Is How I Deserve To Be Treated (And I’m Done Accepting Less)

Nathan Walker
Nathan Walker

You know those moments in movies where two people see each other for the first time and they both look at one another in awe? I had one of those moments, that moment where you suddenly feel some kind of spark, knowing it may (or may not) be the fact you’ve had too many drinks or it could just be butterflies in your stomach.

I couldn’t tell you the exact feeling but I knew I wanted him. He was good looking, wearing a plain white tee, and some jeans which I can’t remember the color of as I was too busy admiring his gorgeous smile. It was a Saturday night at a semi busy pub with a pumping dance-floor and we were all tipsy. As soon as I knew I wanted him, however, I thought: “He is totally out of my league!”

My friend insisted I was to go over to him and dance, so being drunk, I did. At first I wasn’t sure if he was interested in me but then he kept getting a little closer and then finally his arms were on my waist. We danced, laughed, made out, and lip synced ‘Love Yourself’ by Justin Bieber to each other. Throughout the night we both went our separate ways but when we saw each other again, I would be straight back into his arms, like I was his and he was mine. DRUNK IN L O V E as Queen B would say.

He asked me to go home with him, and as much as I really wanted to, drunk me was still able to think appropriately and I knew that my taxi was coming at 3 am sharp. So I went with second best, I asked for his digits and he dialed them into my phone, then called his, so he had mine. Oh so romantic!

Oh my god, he was so gorgeous. I hated myself for leaving him at the club; in the taxi ride home I still had butterflies, and the biggest smile on my face.

I couldn’t wait for him to message so I sent him a quick sweet text. Lunch time the next day he had replied and I was like a sixth grade girl with a high school crush. We spoke all day about anything and everything and he made me smile at my phone and giggle a little too loud. This is how people meet right? This is how those “to die for” love stories start? Is this my happy ending?

I knew that I was going back home (4 hours away) late the next day, so I did what an independent woman who doesn’t follow the old fashioned dating rules would do and I asked him out on a date. We went out for coffee and went to the movies and it was so nice to spend time with someone completely different — someone who you didn’t know existed 48 hours ago. I usually need time to convince myself a date is a good idea, I need to know details and I need to work myself up to have the confidence to go, so this through me out of whack, but was very exhilarating.

We both went back to his house and as much as we mutually wanted to jump into each other pants, neither of us were sure what the other wanted and so there was just a lot of nonsense small talk and avoiding eye contact.

The long train ride home I couldn’t stop thinking about him. I missed him already. He wanted to see me again, so even though I wasn’t going to come back to town, I did, for him. It was a cold rainy Friday night and I got there at 6:30 pm. He put on Crazy Stupid Love. I wasn’t really into the movie but it felt so perfect being snuggled up on the couch to him. It was so nice to be held again. Halfway through the movie he comes onto me.

He just couldn’t resist, and to be honest, either could I.

His sexy strong arms and passionate kiss had my knees trembling. We picked ourselves up and I followed him into the bedroom where he grabbed me tightly and swung me onto the bed.

He blew me away; I haven’t had sex like that ever. He took control, it was rough but definitely the best time out of them all. And by all I mean 3. That’s my number. I am not one to get intimate with a lot of men. So as much as I came across confident and ready, my knees were also trembling because I was shit scared about what was going to happen next. We finished and both rolled over to our own side where we laid there with a thin blanket over the top our nude bodies. We were both staring at the ceiling in silence. Not because the sex was good and we were taking a moment but because there was really nothing either of us had to say…

After 5 minutes I started to feel vulnerable. I wasn’t comfortable. All of my expectations of how I thought it was supposed to be, this wasn’t a feeling I was expecting. Aren’t you supposed to smile and laugh and lean in for a nude cuddle and congratulate each other on a good job? I watch too many romantic movies. In that moment the last place I wanted to be was with him…I started resenting him because he was uninviting and I felt as though I was used and he was just waiting for me to pack my things.

This silence made me think backwards at the times we shared together, I was always the one who initiated contact, I was always asking questions about him, and I wanted to know everything. I wanted to see the side of him that not everyone knows. I wanted the secrets and the personal stories. He wanted nothing from me. This gave us many silences as I was always the one left trying to think of another thing to say as he wouldn’t keep the conversation flowing. It hit me that actually he didn’t care about who I was deep down or what I had planned for the rest of the week.

I had put him on a pedestal, thinking that his looks would weigh up with his lacking personality. I discovered for myself that looks are certainly an asset to a relationship but not a deal breaker. Personality should almost definitely outweigh the outside.

You need someone who cares for you, has the same values as you, someone who would drive 5 hours just to see you for one.

This guy wasn’t going to drive 4 to see me again, and I knew that without having to ask.

I convinced myself after the first date that maybe he was nervous to ask me anything, or he felt like he couldn’t. Or for some crazy reason he just got caught up and forgot. I stuck up for him so much so that when I was staring at the ceiling it came to me.

He didn’t want me for me, he wanted me for my body and I gave it to him without any temptation. I handed myself over to someone who was clearly uninterested but I couldn’t see that because I thought he was something that he wasn’t.

I have most definitely learned from this mistake and that being: One, if someone wanted to get to know me, they would do so as I did, upfront and forward. Two, I learned that I deserve better than to be left naked after sex, looking at the ceiling feeling vulnerable. And last but not least. Three, that it’s a wonderful trait to have to try and see the good in people but it can be very detrimental as you can create prince charming from an selfish jock.

I can’t explain the want to have someone you don’t know. It was like I felt a connection, or wanted to feel a connection so badly that I convinced myself there was something there when there wasn’t.

It all certainly didn’t turn out the way I hoped. I expected something more magical and breathtaking. Not just the intimacy but the whole experience. As much as I wish I could rewind the tape back to the moment I got his number, I don’t think I could. It taught me a lesson and it opened up my eyes to manipulation. I know that almost everyone will go through a moment like this, so this is mine. This girl didn’t get her fairytale happy ending but I’m sure another girl at that club did. Thought Catalog Logo Mark

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