Secret Skills And Knowledge Gained Thanks To Your College Education

Beraldo Leal
Beraldo Leal

You’re a boss when it comes to selecting foods at Whole Paycheck (sorry sorry, Whole Foods), thanks to your school’s strong support of every vegan/gluten-free/paleo/Martian diet.

You spout off your order so well at Starbucks you’d dominate any rap battle.

Your friends are involved in so many random startups you could probably find a solution to anyone’s most inane desire (you need a nursing bottle for your baby moth? Oh I think I have a friend developing technology for that…). Downside? You’re also a dream killer anytime someone throws out a “new idea.”

You’ve excelled at one of two things: either strategically ignoring people handing out flyers (feigning sudden interest in determining whether you’re walking past an oak or maple tree) or acting somewhat enthusiastic for an entire 15 seconds before throwing the flyer down the next available trash can (already full of hundreds of identical said flyers). Both talents are regularly utilized and cherished by city-dwellers.

You can seamlessly slip into an “I’m not drunk” voice thanks to the past four years of using it on your parents.

You know where all the good vending machines are around your current stomping grounds. And what each contains. At what price.

You may barely be able to string together a coherent phrase in French/Spanish/Latin, but you can sure as hell proofread Google translate.

Each versus every, lay/lie/laid, you get it. Downside: you can’t help but judge your friends who are still using them incorrectly.

Sleeping with your eyes closed isn’t a challenge, you’ve mastered it.

You can not only locate but also use the most inane forums on the web. Did office hours help you with discreet math? Yup. Did ilovemycouch_2122 help you even more? Hell yes.

You at least semi-know the Greek alphabet.

You know where you’d go to find the top marketers in the world: Northface, Uggs, Ray-Banz.

Contrary to conventional medical advice, you know that greasy pizza at 4AM on a Saturday night can actually lead to tremendous health benefits on Sunday.

You have impressive mechanical control of your right-hand’s index, middle, and ring fingers thanks a combination of Tetris friends and the need to stay awake in lectures.

You’ve spent more time on Reddit than you care to admit, but have just become even wittier as a result. TC mark

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