10 Lies To Stop Telling Yourself When You’re The Other Woman

1. That you’re just in it for the sex and are, in fact, using HIM. Case in point: he treated like you shit, you didn’t leave, and now he still gets to treat you like shit, but without even having to pretend that he’s interested in treating you like a person. You’ve just made it infinitely easier for him. He doesn’t even need to continue lying to you about whether or not he’s still sleeping with his significant other. (But guess what? He is. And he never stopped.)

2. That the most recent thoughtful thing he’s done for you is more representative of your relationship, and that sweet moments like that outweigh all the shitty ones. In reality, if the number of shitty moments are almost (or essentially) equal to the sweet moments, you’ve already got a problem. You’re not seeing him for who he really is when he’s being kind — you’re rationalizing away your right to be hurt and angry for all the times he’s failed you. Also, did he just recently act like a shithead, and/or sensed that you were slipping away because of his negligence, you possibly met someone else, etc? Then his gesture isn’t organic — it’s reactive. He needs to keep you as an option and easily feels threatened whenever he’s not your #1… even if you don’t rank in his top 10.

3. That the reason you don’t go out as much anymore — even though you want to — is because you could potentially miss a rare opportunity when he has the time to come over.

4. That you’re buying lots of material things because you like them, rather than the fact that you’re trying to fill the void in your life. Though it hurts to admit it, you know exactly what that void is and why you feel so empty, but you refuse to acknowledge that it’s because you don’t get enough of his time. You refuse to acknowledge that you could feel so incomplete without someone else, because you’re so independent and don’t “need” his love or attention. Truth is, we all need something, it’s okay to feel lonely, and it’s even more okay to want to stop feeling that way.

5. That the reason he wants to always stay in when you hang out is because he cherishes the time he shares with you, and prefers the little time you spend together to be private and intimate. Come on now. He doesn’t want to risk getting seen with you in public and getting spotted by his girlfriend/wife/coworker/sibling/God/other.

6. That he will leave or lose interest in you if you don’t do that sexual thing that he likes (that you hate… or at least don’t enjoy). Let’s face it: he probably wants to do crazier shit with you because his actual significant other refuses to do it. Bonus douche points for him if he knows about this fear and exploits it.

7. That he’s “letting you in” more because he’s doing something he never does — planning a date for Friday night rather than Tuesday, finally lets you give him a haircut or a hickey, etc. What this REALLY means is that his SO is away, so he can do whatever the fuck he wants. She won’t know who he’s with when he goes out over the weekend (and will lie if she asks), and his hair will grow back/hickey will heal by the time she returns.

8. That you agree with him when he says no one will ever love you as much, as deeply, or as passionately as he does. Guess what? Affairs are passionate. That’s kind of their thing. A man who strings you along for days, months, even years? A man who makes you doubt yourself and makes you feel like it’s reasonable to ask you to “wait” for your love to begin? Girl, that ain’t love. Yes, love is patient, but it’s also kind. It’s NOT kind — in fact, it’s downright cruel — to let you put your life on hold until it’s convenient for him to start reciprocating (and don’t hold your breath for that, either).

9. This one is harsh, but needs to be shared: if you’ve been gaining weight, perhaps because you’ve been turning to food for comfort, your dude tells you that you’re beautiful no matter what, and that he actually loves your new curves. It’s totally possible that he still finds you attractive, but that’s not what compels him to share this sentiment. This move is deeply, painfully psychological. Even if he just subtly brings attention to your recent weight gain, it’s enough to get you to fixate on it. It’s human nature to do so. You then interpret his seemingly “positive” reinforcement as a “negative” assessment of how you probably look to everyone else. You wonder if anyone will ever find you as beautiful as he does, especially with your changing body. You translate this into “he loves me for who I am, no matter what.” You then internalize that self-consciousness and it feeds on itself, growing into self-loathing. You then fear losing him because, in your mind, no one else will ever find you as attractive as he does. But guess what? You’re already beautiful. No matter what the fuck he or anyone else thinks, no matter what size you are, period.

10. If hell freezes over and/or the stars align, and you have the chance to be with him, don’t. It’s cliché, but it’s true: if he can cheat WITH you, he can cheat ON you. And you can do so, so much better.