Latest Posts

A Few Quick Thoughts About My Name

Around the time I turned 22, things changed for me and my name. …Girls would have this response when I told them my name: “Oliver?  I love that name.  That’s such a cu-uuuute name.” And/or: “I love that name!  I have a cat named ‘Oliver’!” According to my independent, unverifiable research, about 34% of the girls in the New York City metro area have cats named “Oliver.”  I have been unable to figure out why this is or what this means.

How My Relationship With Porn Began

The interesting thing about porn is that people are actually having sex in it. This in itself is weird. If you watch a movie about an archaeologist with five o’clock shadow who is trying to recover the Ark of the Covenant, well, he’s not actually doing these things. If you watch a movie about a plucky band of rebels who rescue a princess and blow up a moon-sized space station, well, that’s not really happening either.

I Dated A Stripper

I must reassert here that I wasn’t just a nerd, I was a SUPER nerd. I didn’t only spend my teenage years playing video games in a basement; that would have been nerdy enough, but in-between that, I would do other absurdly wholesome activities – like, for example, I would bake bread. I would bake bread from scratch. While reading a recipe from a cookbook.

How To Be A Writer

Most people are a thousand times more interesting when they’re talking than when they’re writing. Why is this? Because people panic when they start writing. People instantly revert to memories of 10th grade English class, and memories of No. 2 pencils, and lined notebooks. And then they freak out and tense up. Don’t tense up. Just relax. Seriously.

Holy Shit: They’re Making Atlas Shrugged Into A Movie

Wow, so it’s like “TWO UNPLEASANT PEOPLE AND A TRAIN: THE MOTION PICTURE.” Groovy. And boy, these two people really like trains, and more trains, and metal… and metal-based alloys. Gosh, but it’s all so exciting. (By the way, if you haven’t read the book — the guy who says “My only goal is to make money” — well, he’s the good guy.) Trailer’s inside.

One-Hit Wonders: A Philosophical Exploration

There are novel one-hit wonders (The Secret History, A Confederacy of Dunces). There are poetry one-hit wonders. (Quick! Name a poem by Robert Frost that doesn’t start with “…Whose woods these are I think I know.”) There are movie one-hit wonders (“Fletch” — the only funny Chevy Chase movie ever!) But the area where the art form of the one-hit wonder most excels is, of course… music. And musical one-hit wonders can be divided into three categories…

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