Well! It’s just about time for the Enh-See-Double-Eh Final Four, a basketball tournament where we get to see student athletes potentially blow out their quadriceps and/or left anterior cruciate ligaments — all for free, and all for fun, and all based the 0.08% chance that they might get drafted in the NBA and don’t just get shipped back to whatever hellish small town that they came from, since they didn’t actually get to learn anything in college, what with practicing eight hours a day and all. And that’s fun! Good clean American fun.
So, we’ve made it past the Round of Sixty-Four, the Sweet Sixteen, the Elite Eight that no one cares about much for some reason, and now we’re down to the Final Four… the last four teams, all competing for the NCAA College Basketball Championship and the chance to be trapped in an interview with Dick Vitale or Craig Sager or someone awful like that.
So: Here are your last four teams — hope that you picked your brackets right! If you picked your brackets right, then you get illegal betting money from your job, or your local bar, or prostitute, or whoever it is that you do your “rough trade” with.
And so, the Final Four teams are: Florida, Wisconsin, Kentucky, and Connecticut. …Unfortunately, I ate a bunch of burritos last night, then read the Book of Revelations, and then had a fever dream in which I mixed up the Final Four with the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, who — according to the Bible; which is never wrong — will come to scour the earth in preparation for the thousand-year showdown between our good lord Jesus and the Antichrist. So, having gotten confused like this, and then hungover, I now present you with…
— (1) Florida Gators versus (7) UConn Huskies versus Plague and Death:
The entire UConn squad is laid low by PLAGUE, i.e., a case of botulism spread by forward DeAndre Daniels, who accidentally ate from a can of expired soup. The botulism is quickly transmitted to the rest of the Connecticut team, rendering them utterly unprepared to handle the number-one ranked Gators. Lead by Casey Prather and guard Scottie Wilbekin, the Florida Gators use their 74th-ranked field-goal abilities to demolish the Huskies with uncontested jump shots — as if the Huskies weren’t already fairly demolished by a degenerative and potentially fatal paralytic illness.
Meanwhile, DEATH tries to dispatch the entire Gators team, but misses and messes up, like sort of sometimes happens in those Final Destination movies. Nonetheless, DEATH advances over PLAGUE, because Death is a real gangster; a real O.G., and Plague is merely a thing that can lead to Death, whereas Death is actually… Death. So Death wins this round. Congrats, o Grim Reaper.
Final Score: Florida 60 — UConn 32
Death advances over Plague.
— (2) Wisconsin Badgers versus (8) Kentucky Wildcats versus Famine and War:
Thanks to the work of FAMINE, the Badgers get the munches, and drive around all night looking for an open Taco Bell, but get lost and cannot find one, even though the Championship is being held in Arlington, Texas, where it should be easy to find Mexican food of some kind. …Maybe the Badgers are kind of stoned too, and that’s why they get lost; they are from Wisconsin, after all. Anyway, they arrive exhausted and unprepared for their game against Kentucky, and are demolished by future NBA draft picks Julius Randle and Willie Cauley-Stein. …Meanwhile, WAR stalks the Wildcats, since several players have relatives who are service-members who are currently suffering from PTSD. Nonetheless, WAR fails to significantly affect the outcome of the game.
Final Score: Kentucky 76 — Wisconsin 59
Famine advances over War; but then Death just kills Famine anyway — because come on, Death is Death.
CHAMPIONSHIP GAME — Florida versus Kentucky versus Death:
Death kills all sixteen members of the Florida squad instantly, because come on — they’re from Florida, which is where people go to die. …This sets up the title bout between Death and Kentucky. Kentucky is 5th ranked in the nation in rebounding and 46th ranked in points per game, so the game is close — see-sawing back and forth. And then again, KU has the advantage of having five players on the floor at any one time, where is Death is just one dude in a black robe.
…But in the end, Death conquers all. Death is not weak; he’s not just some pile of bones in a robe with a scythe. Death is strong. Death is amped up, yo. Death is built, and has killer abs and killer everything else — after all; he’s older than history, and older even than time itself; and yet, he’s survived.
And so while the unprepared Wildcats do their best, they are simply ill-equipped to stave off Death, who blows past their zone defense, and thunders down dunk after punishing dunk upon them, as the Kentucky players stumble, falter, and fall. …And so, in the end, Death is triumphant, and lifts the gold-plated Wooden NCAA National Championship trophy over his black-robed head. Well done. Or, as a medieval poet might say: Mors est queis viatoris – finis est omnis laboris!
And so, congrats to you, o Death! …You are our 2014 Men’s College Basketball champion. But don’t get complacent, Mr. Death! After all, as and Dick Vitale would remind us — there’s always next year…
Final score: Death 61 — Kentucky 55